So I had never been on a motorcycle. And when I see something that looks cool and potentially life-threatening… I go for it!

* Skydiving... check.

* Hang-gliding... check.

* Hooker with a hypodermic needle sticking out of her leg... um, no.

So I have this really cool friend with a motorcycle and she wanted to take me around on the back of her bike.

Yes. I said SHE. I know it’s not super manly to be holding onto a girl (much less a tiny girl like this) but whatever… If I’m going to be riding on the back of a motorcycle, I think it’s better to be holding onto a girl with my b@lls smashed into her @ss then to be holding onto some big hairy dude with my balls smashed into his smelly hairy butt.

NOTE TO SELF: Why does the phrase "smelly hairy butt" make me laugh? Am I really a 2 year old?... Smelly Hairy Butt! HA HA HA!!!

So yeah, I went riding on the back of a motorcycle with a girl.

And I wore a pink helmet.

And my leather jacket had long frilly strings hanging off the sleeves.

And across the back of the jacket was the name of my motorcycle gang: "Ladybirds"

Just kidding. But that's how I felt. So whenever we would step into a restaurant or something with our helmets in hand I would walk extra tall with my chest puffed out and I'd tell random people, "I'm the driver..."

Then those people would look at me like I'm a weird-o or something. But like, whatever.

So like I said, I’ve done scary risk-taking stuff before… skydiving, hang gliding, eating Mexican in the airport food court right before a non-stop 7 hour international flight…

But usually, I feel prepared. Before they let you jump out of an airplane to skydive, they train you and teach you and show you videos. Before I jumped onto this motorcycle, my only instructions were:

1 – hold on
2 – don’t let go

Um, okay. I thought riding a motorcycle would be no problem because hey, I’ve seen the movies. And according to Hollywood, even if you’ve never been on a motorcycle, it’s super easy to hop on one, and steer with one hand while using your other hand to shoot at the enemy while simultaneously swerving out of the way of an oncoming 18-wheeler and then jump a ramp over a lake leaving behind an angry Chinese man shaking his fist because you knocked over his fruit stand.

So yeah. This will be simple.

I get on the back. I hold onto the girl’s torso. Got my pink helmet on. Ready!

She takes off! The sudden jolt slams my head forward into her helmet. CLANK! Oops.

Now we’re speeding down the street. Aaaaaah!

Cars are speeding at us, making a wide turn. So we have to make a wide, rounding turn. And LEAN into the turn. So the motorcycle is slanted towards the street. My natural reaction is to lean the OPPOSITE way. You know, so I don’t paint the concrete with the blood from inside my face. But no. You have to lean WITH the bike.

Now I feel like I’m 100% going to die. What made me think I could do this?!!! My only experience riding a motorcycle was from an old arcade game... and I remember how in that game I would always crash!

ABOVE: My only motorcycle training. That's why when I went riding, I instinctively kept shoving quarters into my friend's back every 2 minutes.

ABOVE: Behold! The superior graphics of 1990s video games!

So we stop at a red light and I tell her that I feel like I’m going to fall off of the motorcycle. So she says, “Well, we’re only going 30 MPH, so if you’re going to fall off… this is a good time.”

I was like, “Okay, cool.”

But then 15 seconds later I realize, “Whoa! What?! How is this a good time? It’s still gonna hurt like hell and what about that bus behind us? Is this a good time to get crushed by a bus?”

I’m holding on. My hands are stiff and sweating. My ass is getting numb from the vibrations of the motor.

When I finally get off the motorcycle, I had to massage my butt to get the feeling back.

I tell my friend that I’m scared. I know this is not helping me look courageous and manly to her but I’m fairly certain those qualities do not matter as much to a girl once you are deceased.

Besides, if I survive, I’ll do something else to reclaim my manhood in her eyes like build a shed.

NOTE TO SELF: Learn how to build a shed.

NOTE TO SELF: I said, "manhood in her eyes." Tee-hee! HA HA HA!

By the 3rd time we went riding, I began to feel comfortable. You could tell just by looking at my posture on the motorcycle. At first, I was sunk down low in the seat and leaning forward. And the engine had me shaking. Not because it was so powerful but because it made me cry.

Then my friend is like, "Look to the left. You can see Mount Rainier!"

Look left?! Hell no! I'm too scared to turn my head! I know what will happen. I look left. You accelerate. I'm street meat.

Later on she's like, "So wasn't Mount Rainier beautiful?"

I was like, "Um, I have no idea. I was too busy focusing on the back of your helmet while repeating curse words."

But as I got more comfortable, I stopped fogging up the inside of my helmet with tears. And I sat up straight on the back seat.

I was feeling so great, I even hopped off the bike to pose for some pictures with the famous Fremont Troll in Seattle (where I was visiting):

As you can see, I'm still wearing my helmet:

Why? In case I dislodged some troll boogers! Duh!

No, the honest reason is because it took me so long to re-do the helmet's little chin straps I just kept it on. Even when we sat down in the restaurant I kept my helmet on. People couldn't decide if I was a motorcycle rider or  retarded.

But when they saw me attempt to eat by shoveling food into my helmet they knew for sure I was retarded.

Which reminds me... how the hell do people scratch their face while riding a motorcycle? I realized that when I'm driving a car I do all sorts of things that you can't do while on a motorcycle. Like scratch my face. Blow my nose. Play with the radio stations. Drink a beverage. Talk on my cell phone. Catch a nap. Just for a second.

NOTE TO OTHER DRIVERS: Watch out!

So by the end of my trip I felt comfortable on the bike. Even though I was still riding on the back and holding onto a girl, I began feeling kinda macho. I'm riding on a motorcycle! I'm risking life and limb for the sake of transportation! Oh yeah! I'm a manly man!

Then I hopped off the bike and massaged my butt.