If you are visiting New York City from AnyTown, USA you may be wondering, "Where should I dine in the Greatest Restaurant City in the World?"

The Answer:

NOT one of these places:

1. Applebee's
2. Olive Garden
3. Chili's
4. T.G.I. Friday's
5. Ruby Tuesday
6. Outback Steakhouse
7. Red Robin
8. Bennigan's
9. Fuddruckers
10. Red Lobster

I have nothing against those chain restaurants. I like some of them. But you can do that at HOME. Be brave. Wander off the 4 block radius of Times Square and try an actual RESTAURANT, you flaming moron.

Did you really travel all the way to New York City to eat the same meal for twice the price?

You: Wow! This Red Lobster in Times Square is just like the one at home! Except now we have to live in our car!

When I traveled to Europe, SURE there was a McDonald's.

Did I check it out? Sure!

...I'm curious to see the prices in Euros and what underpaid teenagers flipping French Fries look like in Germany. Did I eat there?

Hell no! I ate what Germans ate! Beer! With a fork! And Kraut! And Doners! (I know doners aren't German food. But Germans eat them a lot.)

Those 10 American chain restaurants above are all the same. Why not combine them all into 1 mediocre restaurant?

Have the bubbly blonde server say: "Hi! Welcome to Olive Red Apple Ruby FuddFriday's... Chiligan's Lobster Steakhouse Garden!"

"Would you like to start with Fried BBQ Mozzarella Crab Sticks?"

Some of you are thinking, maybe they SHOULD make it all 1 restaurant... Fried BBQ Mozzarella Crab Sticks sound pretty damn good! Make it a large order!

That's all good. But order that at home. You're in New York City now. You're going to be doing 2 things you've haven't done before. They're called:

1 - Taking the subway
2 - Walking

And no. You can't devour a 2nd dessert because: "Hey we'll we'll walk it off on our way to the subway."

Because:

Even though climbing an entire 1 flight of STAIR... leaves you breathing harder than an internet video starring Pamela Anderson, it's not significant exercise.

Then Where Should I Eat, Hog?

Look, I'm not a freakin' New York City Vacation planner! But I do love my food. And I will tell a couple of places off the top of my head that are better than Olive Red Apple Ruby FuddFriday's Chiligan's Lobster Steakhouse Garden.

For the real New York City Experience, try:

1 - Coffee Bar in Union Square. Your meal is overpriced. But you're going there to look at hot bims. The food is pretty good. And the girls are good and pretty.

2 - Emilio Ballato's: 55 East Houston Street.

TIP: In New York City, Houston Street is NOT pronounced like the city in Texas. It's How-stun. If you say Hyu-stun Street, you might as well take out a billboard with your picture that says, "I am a tourist. Please kick me. In my change purse."

Ballato's is a classy place. Great food. Romantic. The tender lemon veal makes my girlfriend moan in a way that makes me jealous.

3 - Pomme Frites. On Second Avenue between 7th and 8th Streets. They only serve French Fries. But like, with 8000 different sauces. Very cool place.

4 - Pongsri Thai. There's a bunch of these around town. Tasty Thai food. Nice prices.

5 - Dos Caminos. Yes, it's Mexican. Eat outdoors. It's nice. No, not in the winter. Try the skirt steak. They push the guacamole. It's excellent. But it's like $700 for a bowl. I'd rather pour refried beans down the front of my pants than pay that much again. Good food, though.

6 - Peanut Butter & Co. Wanna feel quirky? 240 Sullivan at West 3rd. Dude, every kind of peanut butter idea has been explored here. Great for a fun lunch. Get dessert here.

7 - Peking Duck. If you like duck, you will not get better duck than at this place in Chinatown. If you go to Peking Duck and do NOT order the Peking Duck, I will personally force you to go on a bird hunting trip with Vice President Dick Cheney.

There's like 8 billion more restaurants to choose from. But that's a good start.

Oh, Last Words:

Do NOT eat pizza at Sbarro's.

You whining: "But whyyyyyyyyy?!!! It's close to our hotel!"

This is New York City! New York has great pizza. Eat your crappy-ass pizza that requires a new weekly marketing idea involving cheese at HOME.

Warning: 99% of all New York City Pizza places are called Ray's Something or Other. Original Ray's. Famous Ray's. Ray's Cousin Bruno. My favorite name is a place in Brooklyn called, "NOT Ray's Pizza." That's
awesome.

For New York City Bonus Points: FOLD your pizza in half length-wise. That's how New Yorkers eat pizza.

SUPER BIG HUGE MINUS POINTS: If you use a knife and fork on your pizza, you should staple antennae to your forehead and tell people you are taking over the Earth to fuel your spaceship.

DO YOU DARE?

If you have all your shots in order and your white blood cell count is up, try a Hot Dog from a street vendor. Best deal in New York City.

$1.25 (try not to pay more, yes you can haggle) for a tube of mystery meat with a bun AND mustard and sour kraut.

For New York City bonus points, eat it while running. Where are you running? I dunno. New Yorkers are always in a rush. Now you fit in.

In our next New York City Vacation lesson I will teach you:

1 - How to avoid beggars
2 - How to find an adult beverage for under $10
3 - How to avoid herpes
4 - How to find true love for under $10
5 - How to avoid beggars with herpes