Okay, I'm going to get personal here. I am performing an experiment. I am trying to not touch myself for 1 week.

I have completed Day 4. If you missed it, see Day 1 & 2 and Day 3.

What was the point of this experiment again? Why the hell am I doing this to myself?!

Oh yeah, I wanted to see if I would be more productive. Hmm... I don't think so. Not yet anyway. I think I've spent more time socializing than usual.

And most of that time has been spent like this:

FRIEND: You seem upset. Is everything okay?
ME: Yeah. Well, I haven't been touching myself all week.
FRIEND: Um... so does everyone know what they want to order?

I also realize that touching myself is the cheapest form of entertainment. I go out and have drinks with friends... money. I watch cable TV... money. Touching myself... totally free.

Talk about "ballin' on a budget!"

It's really a great hobby. Nobody gets hurt. It's fun. And most importantly, for a bootleg guy like me, the only cost involved is to my self-esteem.

If I ever have kids, I will suggest this hobby to them.

MY HYPOTHETICAL ANNOYING TEENAGE CHILD: I want a birthday gift!
ME: Go touch yourself.
MY HYPOTHETICAL ANNOYING TEENAGE CHILD: I want to go to Prom!
ME: Go touch yourself.
MY HYPOTHETICAL ANNOYING TEENAGE CHILD: I want to go to college!
ME: Go touch yourself.

Speaking of which...

When I was in college I come home late on a Saturday night to my dorm room with some friends... we open the door... and there is my roommate... asleep at his computer... with his jammy in his hand.

He's snoring and drool is dripping down onto his wiener.

So of course I took a bullhorn and was like, "WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED!!! DROP... YOUR... WEAPON!!!"