Stock Market Tips. Candy Apple or Rotten Apple. iPod, Commodore 64, Apple IIe. Stock Market Advice. Serious Stock Market Tips + Seriously Twisted Humor.
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Stock Market Tips: Candy Apple or Rotten Apple?

Serious Stock Market Tips + HogWild's Seriously Twisted Humor

HOG: We've got Evan the Stock Market Maven to teach us ordinary nubs how to make money in the Stock Market. And we've got me to make stupid ass jokes. Go ahead, Evan, teach us about the Stock Market.

EVAN: Mmmmmm Apple. "Hello my name is Steve Jobs and I am a creative genius. I created a phenomenon which people think is a growing fad but I'm banking my money that it isn't a fad -- and even it isn't well...I'm rich biatch."

HOG: What the hell are you talking about? You think Steve Jobs doesn't think the iPod will last? You think Steve Jobs talks like Dave Chappelle?

EVAN: My point was that Steve Jobs doesn't think it is a fad but he is so rich it really doesn't matter because he is rich. And yes he does talk like him... on the down low. Word up!!!

HOG: This is what happens when Stock Market Mavens attempt to be Comedy Connoisseurs. Oof.

EVAN: No, but seriously when you think of Apple, you think of the iPod, which was brought to us a couple of years ago.

HOG: No, when I think Apple, I think of those Apple IIe computers from back-in-the-day. Those are the computers we had in school. Fat graphics! It had mad colors! Green... and light green!

Apple IIe

EVAN: To some people, Apple reminds them of those old ass computers back in the day but the new generation only knows about the technology now. The old Apple was way ahead of the time back then but wasn't as good as my Commodore 64!!!

And within those years the stock has been making people mo money mo money mo money.

HOG: You love that phrase. What did I tell you about watching In Living Color over and over again? What's next out of you?

YOU: So you'd like to understand your short-term investment options… LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING!

EVAN: HA HA HA! I love that show...actually I use phrases based on any show I just watched and they have re-runs on BET at night.

HOG: And after that you'll be like… "Annuities with huge fees? Mutual Funds with high transaction costs? Homey don't play that!"

EVAN: Recently Apple's stock has been declining. For the past 3 months the stock has dropped from 85 to 59. Some believe this is due to a sell-off of past gains and some believe Apple can't keeping banking on the iPod. This is partly true, the iPod can't keep in selling at this pace. Or can it???

HOG: All they have to do is to keep doing what they are doing -- keep making it smaller. I heard that the next iPod can actually be installed into your gums.

It looks like a little tooth. It comes in 3 different colors: white tooth, yellow gold tooth, and platinum tooth. You change the songs with your tongue.

The only bad thing is if the battery dies, to replace it, you have to get a root canal.

EVAN: The word on the street is that Apple is going to design their own phone.

And no, the phone which is out now is not by Apple, it just has Apple iTunes capability.

The phone they are going to come out with is going to be made by Apple. I'm not sure about the colors, but I heard you'll be able to turn it into a Transformer. Cool!!!!

HOG: I think you're getting our roles mixed up. YOU give the intelligent stock market advice and I give the dumb jokes.

Keep it up, and I'll start making stock recommendations. And that's bad because until yesterday every time you mentioned an IRA, I thought, "Why does Evan keep talking about my Uncle?"

EVAN: Let me ask you a question. Raise your hand if you have an iPod? Yeah, that's what I thought.

HOG: Hey! I'm mad bootleg. I don't have an iPod! But I still download music. Off the radio. Onto cassette tape.

EVAN: WOW!!! That is bootleg!!! you need to buy yourself an iPod quickly. I understand if you can't afford it. It is pretty costly, but dude at least download music onto a CD!!

Now how many people raised their hand even though your iPod is a Sony. HUH??? That's right, I know numerous people that when I ask if they have an iPod, they say yes but actually have an MP3 player of a different brand.

HOG: It's like saying, "I need to "Xerox" those important documents to fax to the Chinese government."

EVAN: Great point. There are companies that are or were so big they dominated their competitors. Xerox used to dominant but don't invest in this company. Faxing is not as popular as it used to be.

Apple has created such a phenomenon that an MP3 player is now an iPod.

HOG: Maybe I can use this idea for MY company. Each time one of your friends goes too far with a dumb joke, you can say, "Man, you're going HogWild!" Yeah! So if it's a serious situation, someone can say, "This is heavy. I wish somebody would go HogWild."

EVAN: Now this product has made the company huge profits and there are critics out there who say they cannot keep up with the current sales rate. However, Apple has a gazillion new customers and fans because of this phenomenon which pack the stores every day.

They are buying more Macs than ever -- and now that Apple has released new software to enable Windows to run on their computers -- there is no reason why people wouldn't buy an Apple computer.

HOG: Um, I wouldn't. Apple computers are for 2 types of people:

1 – Artist / indie types with black-rimmed glasses and greasy hair

2 – Girls

I have my old fashioned PC, baby! Running Windows 3.11 WITH Networking.

Yeah, what!

The case is open because I got 3 hard drives crammed in there.

The fan whirrs like a helicopter and my keyboard is full of bits of Doritos. I'm not getting' no wussy Mac!

EVAN: Well times are changing. All types of people are buying Macs and that is a lame excuse not to buy one.

Even if you believe that only girls buy Apples then you should run to the store to get one if you are a guy. Let me give you a tip... Buy an Apple laptop, bring it to Starbucks, sit next to the girl with the same laptop and I guarantee you'll have a nice conversation.

HOG:  It's Evan the Dating Maven!

EVAN: The iPod will continue to grow and evolve with the times. Even if you don't agree with me and Apple's new life we should agree on one thing. This spring is Apple's 30th anniversary and they definitely have something up their sleeve.

HOG: I heard it's a new iPod for old people who want to listen to music while they fill their adult diapers. It's called iPood.

So what is your recommendation? Should we buy this stock or what? If so, for how long should we hold it?

EVAN: I recommend you buy Apple and hold to either the end of the year or $80, which ever comes first.

HOG: There you have it! Straight from the mouth of Evan the Stock Market/Comedy/Dating/Lawn Darts/Bicycle Repair/Cheese making Maven!

EVAN: Okay, that's enough.

To speak with Evan, email him directly:

Stock Market Tips: How do I know when to Sell? Martha Stewart, Axl Rose & a Time Machine. 

Stock Market Tips: Want to be in the Stock Market? Then put down the Appetizers.

Stock Market Tips: Starbucks vs. Star Jones

More Funny HogWild Rants and Jokes

Now go watch my Expert Dating Advice videos! Woo-hoo!


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Twisted Humor of HogWild

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Stock Market Tips. Candy Apple or Rotten Apple. iPod, Commodore 64, Apple IIe. Stock Market Advice. Serious Stock Market Tips + Seriously Twisted Humor.
HOGWILD.NET  expert dating advice. helpful and hilarious videos!