Hog's mom does NOT approve of this article.

Got 3 HogWild Halloween stories for you:

1 - P!mp Slapping Jesus
2 - Halloween Candy Karma will Bite you in the A$$
3 - The Crazy Blonde Native American Girl

Let's begin our tale with P!mp Slapping Jesus.

So I went out for Halloween. And my buddy almost got into a fight with Jesus.

Jesus was being a real gashole. Jesus was bumping into people and dancing like a retard.

So this douche bag was costumed as Jesus. The beard. The white gown. Even had the wooden cross on his back. And he came equipped with some corny stock lines for the chicks. Like he'd buy girls drinks and shout,
"Water into wine!"

Okay loser.

I didn't think the son of God had to impress women by purchasing them alcohol at da club.

So Jesus was trying to push up on this girl in a Catholic School uniform... which was disturbing.

So we're on the street and drunk Jesus says some rude sh!t to my buddy. And my man doesn't back down for anything. He would've stood up to Buddha, Zeus, or Spongebob Squarepants.

ME: Dude, c'mon let's go. You can't hit him. He's Jesus!
MY FRIEND: Whatever, man! Jesus shouldn't start sh!t.
ME: What are you gonna do? Fight with Jesus here on the street?
MY FRIEND: I don't give a f*ck.
ME: It's not gonna look good. You're dressed as a p!mp.
MY FRIEND: Yeah, so when I p!mp-slap Jesus he should turn the other cheek.
ME: Let's go.
MY FRIEND: F*ck you, Jesus! You p*ssy!
ME: Um, I think he's gathering up his disciples to kick our @sses.
MY FRIEND: Good, let's gather up some Roman Gladiators!

So on the streets of New York City, I'm picturing a re-enactment of West Side Story with Jesus and his crew fighting and dancing against Romans and the P!mps.

Then I'm thinking, "What if the cops have to break us up? Who are they gonna believe? A p!mp? Or Jesus Christ?"

IN COURT: Jesus, do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God?
JESUS: Let's not bring my Father into this.
 

**********************

Halloween Candy Karma will Bite you in the A$$

As a kid, my mom would take us trick-or-treating. Except this wasn't some suburban neighborhood where you go up to each house and polite people give you candy. I grew up in the Bronx.

It was a bad neighborhood. Though my mom kept telling me it was safe.

She'd be like, "Go outside and play! Have fun!"

Then she'd locked the door behind me.

LOCK!
LOCK!
....
LOCK! LOCK! LOCK! LOCK!

Then she put on "the chain." Then she would move the big wooden desk in front of the door. Then she'd activate the laser force field.

My neighborhood was so safe, that we had a secret knock to be let into the house. Who the hell has a secret knock?

To this day, I still remember it... it went like this: KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!

KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!

MOM!!! OPEN THE DOOR! THEY'RE CHASING ME!!! HELP!!!!!

So we went trick or treating in this type of neighborhood.

We would knock on people's doors...

US: <Knock knock!>
OLD LADY YELLING FROM INSIDE HER APARTMENT: Go away!
US: Trick or treat!
OLD LADY YELLING FROM INSIDE HER APARTMENT: Please don't hurt me!

I did have 1 really nice old lady neighbor. She would let me into her apartment on Halloween.

When I left her place, my candy bag was super heavy! With 8 pounds of copper pennies.

Damn that woman!

And she sucked up 45 minutes of prime trick or treating time with her stories about... whatever the hell it is old people talk about. She talked so much, my mom would LEAVE and come back later.

The only old people children should be forced to talk with are their grandparents. Children and old people have nothing to talk about.

OLD PEOPLE TOPICS
* The weather
* The way things used to be (good)
* The way things are now (bad)
* The way things will be (who cares? I'll be dead!)
* Body parts that hurt

CHILDREN TOPICS
* Video games (good)
* Cartoons (good)
* Homework (bad)
* How homework interferes with video games and cartoons
* Body parts that make funny sounds

But the old lady wasn't really THAT bad. She'd sit me down in front of her candy bowl and let me take as many cough drops as I wanted!!! Woo-hoo!!

Oh, when we went trick or treating, we didn't go outside. But it had nothing to do with the neighborhood not being safe! Right.

We would stick to our building. The building was 33 floors with 12 apartments on each floor so we had plenty of doors to knock on... well, the 5th floor was off-limits. That floor was spooky. 2 murders on that floor in 3 years. But the neighborhood was safe!

After an evening of trick or treating, my younger brother and I would pour our little candies out all over the floor.

Let the negotiations begin!!!

But first, mom had to cut each candy in half to check for razor blades.

Actually, she was too lazy for that. She made us go Trick or Treating with 2 bags. Candy from people on the "safe list" (her friends & old people) went into 1 bag and candy from other people went in the other bag. Safe Bag candy could be consumed right away. Other Bag candy had to pass inspection.

So my brother and I are trading. A snack size Milky Way for a Kit-Kat. No! 1 half of a Kit-Kat for 10 red Skittles.

This process would go on for hours until it was my little brother's bedtime. At which point, I would eat all of the candy I had just traded to him.

It was an early lesson in Karma. I thought I won because I ate all his candy. But I was punished with intense stomach pains that made milk chocolate and caramel squirt out of my ass.

***************
 

The Crazy Blonde Native American Girl + What Your Halloween Costume Reveals about Your Secret Desires

Halloween is a great time of year. It's the one day when you can really let go of your inhibitions and act like an @ss. It's like your birthday, except everybody's doing it.

On Halloween we are allowed to "be someone else." We get to role play. Your choice of Halloween costume says a lot about you.

Here is a chart that reveals your hidden desires:

FOR GIRLS:

YOUR COSTUME................................................YOUR SECRET FANTASY

Naughty Nurse......................................................To be a slut

Catholic School Girl...............................................To be a slut

Lion Tamer............................................................To be a slut

Snow White...........................................................Oh, totally to be a slut

 

FOR GUYS:

YOUR COSTUME..................................................YOUR SECRET FANTASY

P!mp....................................................................To have a 3-way with 2 lesb!ans

Football Player......................................................To have a 3-way with 2 lesb!ans

Albert Einstein.......................................................Oh, totally to have a 3-way with 2 lesb!ans

Member of the Village People..................................To have a 3-way with 2 dudes

I HATE dressing up. Maybe it's because I am already who I want to be.

NOTE: Except hairier and with less s*xual activity.

I don't want to be a surgeon, or a p!mp, or a cowboy, or a baseball player... okay maybe a baseball player. But when you dress as a baseball player it's the same as dressing as a lame-@ss.

I'm not sure why I hate dressing up. I find it embarrassing. I can easily talk about my jammy on stage in front of strangers or about my past relationships but I can't wear a clown afro wig and feel comfortable.

I think it's because secretly, I think wearing costumes is for girls.

Girls dress up. Guys shoot sh!t.

One year I went a party that REQUIRED everyone to wear a costume. So I threw this black cowboy hat I have. And I wore a black leather jacket. That's it.

I didn't know who I was.

RANDOM GIRL: Oh my God! You're Tim McGraw!
ME: I am?
RANDOM GIRL: You don't know who that is? He's a famous Country Music singer! I thought that was your costume.
ME: Oh, uh, yeah.

DIFFERENT RANDOM GIRL: Oh my God! You're Tim McGraw!
ME: I am! And you must be a fan of my famous Country Music! So let me tell you about the time I had a hoedown in Tennessee...

At that party I saw a cute little blonde dressed as a Native American. And I wanted to Poke-a-hontus.

I made some remark about us playing Cowboys and Indians. She didn't get it.

This girl turned out to be crazy. I should've known because...

1 - Who the hell dresses as a BLONDE Native American?
2 - She was Eastern European, accent and all, and dressing like a Native American.

Went on 1 date, saw she was crazy, and I changed her Native American name from Sacajawea to Psycho-jawea.

I said, "Baby, I'm not sure if we are compatible. What? No, don't get upset! Here... Have some of this candy. No, not from that bag. From the Other Bag."