Kobe Bryant pictures, jokes: Kobe Bryant is the best player ever named after a steak. He's much better than Salisbury Johnson. Funny Rants, Dirty jokes + Twisted Humor.  
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The Best Player Ever Named After a Steak

kobe bryant dunk

Justin Sanders


Justin Sanders with HogWild

JUSTIN: Two things come to mind whenever someone mentions Kobe Bryant, basketball and controversy.  

HOG: Ooh! Ooh! Let me guess! Two things... Um, adulterous butt-sex and... Hmm... And what’s the other thing? Um, adulterous butt-sex!

JUSTIN: From the day he entered the NBA, Kobe Bryant has always had a love-hate relationship with fans. But after 11 years in the league it seems that the heir apparent to the Michael Jordan throne may be finally getting his due after being awarded his first MVP.

HOG: Look, Kobe Bryant is a great player. And now that he is learning to share the ball instead of crying, he is helping his team win lots of games. In Chicago, when Coach Phil Jackson held up his hands in a triangle, he was signaling for them to run the Triangle Offense. In Los Angeles, when Coach Phil Jackson help up his hands in a triangle he was signaling that Kobe Bryant needs to stop crying like a little *^$$#.

NOTE: *^$$# = a triangle shaped zone in the female groin area.  

JUSTIN: Growing up, the 10-time NBA All Star was always a little bit different from other players but what would you expect from a kid named after a steak from Japan?  That’s right, Kobe Bryant was named after Kobe beef. That got me so excited that I asked my wife last night if I could name our first kid, “Moons over my Hammy?” or just Hammy for short.  

HOG: Hammy? Well, I'll say this, Kobe Bryant is the best player ever to be named after a steak.


1 - Salisbury Johnson
2 - Sirloin Thompson
3 - Hamburger-Helper Smith

Hey, I think it’s better to name your kid after a steak than after your favorite alcoholic beverage. Right, Brandy? Margarita? BUD?

JUSTIN: Don't forget little Schlitz!

HOG: I don't know anybody named Schlitz. You have a f%*$ed up redneck Texas family, dude. I feel bad for little Hammy. He doesn't have a fighting chance!

I'm Jewish and one thing I'm very proud of is that us Jewish people don't name our kids after drinks. You'll never hear a name like Margarita Steinberg. Maybe because Jewish alcohol doesn't sound cool as a name. Like, how can you name your kid, Manischewitz? Although there is a chance that Jewish comedian Woody Allen will make a baby with his Asian wife Soon-Yi and name the baby Mai Tai Allen.

JUSTIN: Originally drafted by the Charlotte Hornets, Kobe Bryant was traded to the Los Angeles Lakers with whom he has played for 11 seasons.

HOG: I guess Kobe knew something about Charlotte. Because soon after, the ENTIRE TEAM left Charlotte for New Orleans!

JUSTIN: In L.A., Kobe was teamed up with future hall of famer Shaquille O’Neal, but it wasn't until the smartest hippie in the world, Phil Jackson took over as head coach for the Lakers, that things started clicking for the young guard. In 2000, after being in the NBA for only four years, the Lakers won the first of three Championships in a row making them the Grateful Dead of the NBA.

HOG: The Grateful Dead of the NBA? I don't recall seeing Jack Nicholson sitting in the front row of Lakers games wearing sandals, a tie-dye shirt and smoking a bowl.

And if the Lakers became the Grateful Dead of the NBA, then my NY Knicks became the Britney Spears of the NBA: a horrifying, sad spectacle who is now a running joke.

JUSTIN: Kobe has always been one of the most talented players in the NBA, using his talents to score at will both on and off the court. Unfortunately that same ability got him in trouble in 2003 when he was charged with taking it to an unwilling hole in a hotel room in Denver, Colorado.

HOG: Awww! You'd better get those kinds of jokes out of your system now. Because you can't talk like that around little Hammy! HA HA!

JUSTIN: Kobe was cleared of all the charges but he was dropped by his entire roster of corporate sponsors lowering his net worth from about half a bazillion dollars.

HOG: Yeah, and he had to buy his wife this huge diamond ring to apologize.

kobe bryant

HOG: Look, lot of husbands who are on the road traveling for work will hook-up with girls in the hotel. But they’re not a World Famous 6’6” 220 pound athlete with a beautiful smile and nice buns. Er, ahem.

Anyhoo. What I’m saying is, the guy did something sleazy but not all that unusual. Then the girl did something sleazy but not that unusual by trying to accuse him of a backcourt violation.

Next time Kobe Bryant gets lonely on the road he needs to do what all DEDICATED husbands do... Order naughty movies on TV. So girls, don’t complain about your man looking at sex acts. That could be what keeps him from performing them!

JUSTIN: Thank you Reverend HogWild.

HOG: You're welcome. I look forward to seeing you, your wife, and little Hammy Sanders at services next week.

JUSTIN: Of course Kobe bounced back from the ordeal by changing his nickname to the “Black Mamba” and focusing all of his sexual energy on the basketball court.  

HOG: Eeew! No wonder that guy has to mop the floor all the time! HA HA HA!

JUSTIN: Then on January 22nd Kobe Bryant torched the Toronto Raptors like he was Jason McElwain, scoring 81 points and coming within 19 points of Wilt Chamberlain's untouchable record.

kobe bryant

JUSTIN: From that point on most experts agree that Kobe has been the best player in the NBA but has just never got the votes for MVP.

HOG: That award goes to most VALUABLE player, not most BEST player. Uh, grammar sucks. Yeah, so, now Kobe is making his TEAM better instead of just his stats.

JUSTIN: With the Lakers leading the Utah Jazz, this year seems like Kobe’s best chance to get a ring without Shaq and to put him in the upper echelon of NBA Greats. Of course, the Lakers still have to get by the winner of the Hornets and Spurs and then beat the Easter Conference Champion but with Kobe hitting on all cylinders and the rest of the Lakers finally coming on strong, this could be the Mamba’s best shot at another title. Until then, Kobe will just have to settle for being the NBA MVP.

HOG: Your Dallas Mavericks should attempt to get Kobe Bryant. To get Kobe, Dallas can trade to Los Angeles: Dirk Nowitzki, the Renaissance Tower, and the Cowboys. I think this would be the only trade L.A. would consider. You get Kobe Bryant, they get an NFL team. And a skyscraper. And a big German dude.

You've got to make this trade! It's the only way that Dallas can win an NBA Championship in little Hammy's lifetime!

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Kobe Bryant pictures, jokes: Kobe Bryant is the best player ever named after a steak. He's much better than Salisbury Johnson. Funny Rants, Dirty jokes + Twisted Humor.    
HOGWILD.NET  expert dating advice. helpful and hilarious videos!