Day!!! Woo-hoo! Yeah!
It's time to honor our dead war heroes by eating beer!
But please, let's bring back some decorum to the holiday. The true meaning
has been lost.
The Memorial Day Barbecue is to
celebrate our War Dead. Let's do it
ABOVE: Poignant societal statement. BELOW: Fart jokes continue.
*** THE GREAT GRILL DEBATE: GAS OR
Charcoal, fool! Only terrorists use
A real man uses black charcoal from a 245 pound bag. He squeezes a pint of
lighter fluid onto the charcoal. Then he lights a match by striking it against
one of the following surfaces:
1 - the concrete sidewalk
2 - the side of his house
3 - the stubble on his face.
The flames should shoot up to about 1
half of 1 inch from his eyebrows. In
fact, any man that still has all his
eyebrows is not a man who has grilled.
At this point, a man squirts another 3 quarts of lighter fluid on the fire.
Why? Because it's cool.
*** NEVER FORGET ***
America lost many brave men and women in the 2 World Wars to save the humanity
Hey, would you grill me another
frankfurter with sour kraut? And crank
up the Polka music! Oh, wait. I'll be
right back... I left my lederhosen in my
Did you just sneeze? Gesundheit!
Here is a
timeline of my Ultimate Memorial Day
Barbecue, a barbecue that honors the true military meaning of the Memorial
ULTIMATE HOGWILD MEMORIAL DAY BARBECUE ***
12 NOON 4 men carry the grill to the
backyard. The grill is draped in the
12:15 PM Before the official start of
the barbecue, Gangsta's Paradise by Coolio
(or God Bless America) is played on the
12:19 PM The first hamburger is dropped by parachute from a remote
control airplane flying overhead. It safely
floats down onto the grill. At the sound of
the 1st sizzle, everyone cheers!!!
12:20 PM I am manning the BBQ dressed
in full military regalia with a chef's hat.
And before you bring me your plate, you
NOTE: It's not a true American
barbecue unless there is a deer laying
across the coals. And the deer must have
been shot (or run over) by someone at the
12:45 PM Some dude's girlfriend brings out an
American flag made out of Watermelon and
12:46 PM Learn that watermelon and
blueberries don't grill very well.
1:25 PM My girlfriend is making me
serve vegetables. Fine! But she never
said they had to be on a plate!
1:27 PM I
shoot broccoli out of a machine gun.
2:43 PM A man costumed as Uncle
Sam keeps things moving by going around
saying things like: "Uncle Sam Wants
You... to fetch more hot dogs from the
2:47 PM Girlfriend asks me to put her soy burger on the grill. I smile.
2:48 PM Girlfriend turns back.
2:48 and 2 seconds PM I drop the soy
burger in the trash. "AIN'T NO SOY BURGER
GONNA TOUCH MY GRILL, WOMAN!!!," I shout
in my imagination.
PM Time to remember those who gave their
lives in the great wars. So let's do that by
drinking beer. Meaningful beer.
To remember World War II:
1- Wash down a polish sausage with
Beck's beer. This is to remember when
Germany savagely attacked Poland.
2- Now eat some really crappy food
with some warm beer. That's to honor the
British contribution to World War II.
3- To honor the contribution of
France, eat chicken.
3:32 PM You're standing around
minding your own business... and bang! Someone hits you over the head with a
bottle of Sapporo Japanese beer! That's
it! Now you drink Budweiser after
Budweiser until you drop a huge
A-bomb in the toilet.
3:40 PM Now we remember the Vietnam War:
Drink Agent Orange Soda.
3:42 PM Now I'm behind my grill
dressed as Rambo. I cut up the
carrots with a machete while yelling: "Vegetables are for commies!!!"
4:00 PM Now we remember the Iraqi
We smoke baby back ribs to celebrate
smoking Saddam out of his hole. And to honor President Bush, we serve a big fat
4:22 PM A fat guy has food all
over his shirt. Someone shouts, "Look
everybody! Is that corn on the cob or corn
on the slob?!" Everybody laughs. I said, Laugh, damn it!
4:50 PM Awwww, isn't that cute? Nothing is more American then kids selling cups of lemonade. And
nothing is more 21st Century America then building a Super Wal-Mart across
the street from their lemonade stand and putting them out of business with an
every day low-price from lemonade suppliers
5:00 PM Time to play MEMORIAL DAY
GAMES! We Re-enact the War of 1812! We use
Grandma's pie as cannonballs.
5:01 Learn that Grandma's pie doesn't
grill very well.
6:32 PM There's a piece of chicken
missing from the table! Who did it?!
Was it you, dog? Was it you?!
6:35 PM Take the dog as a Prisoner of
War. Put him in a small dark room until he
6:37 PM Girlfriend negotiates release
of my Prisoner of War in exchange for
backing down from her threat to withhold sex.
6:38 PM Think about sex with
6:39 PM Pitch a tent under my
barbecue apron. That's embarrassing.
6:40 PM Think of Nicky Hilton's
6:40 and 0.5 seconds PM No more tent
9:00 PM Last hamburger! Who will get it? One
of my buddies dressed in camouflage pops out
from the bush where he was hiding to grab
it! That was cool.
9:01 PM Totally wasted. Out of dead
animals to barbecue.
9:03 PM Learn that flip-flops don't
grill very well.
9:13 PM Apologize to girlfriend for "burning" all 3 of her soy burgers.
9:14 PM Giggle as I use one of
her uncooked soy burgers as a coaster for my
11:00 PM All women and children are
gone. It's finally time for what Memorial
Day is all about... men having fun!
And you know what that means...
11:30 PM Cole Slaw Fight!
4 super hot bikini girls run
out and jump into an inflatable pool full of
cole slaw. Shredded cabbage and hormones are
NOTE: My first idea was to have the bikini
girls fight in a pool of baked beans. But
visualizing girls with their butts splashed
with squished brown beans made me want to
12:00 AM Really horny now.
12:01 AM Kick everyone out. Attempt to wake up girlfriend.
12:01 - 12:15
AM Hump girlfriend's leg.
12:16 AM Girlfriend finally wakes up. Tell her I want
to Role Play: I Dress up as John Paul
Jones. She dresses as Betsy Ross. Ask
her to sew an American Flag that she will
wear as a thong.
"I have not
yet begun to hump!"
12:17 AM Girlfriend is pissed off
that I woke her up for sex. Tells me that
she knows I played shuffleboard with her soy
burgers. She takes me outside.
12:19 AM Learn that my face doesn't
grill very well.