Hog's mom does NOT approve of this article.

It's Oktoberfest! It's the time of year when us guys lick our lips in anticipation of tall delicious blondes... no, not girls, beer!

But since pictures of beer aren't very exciting, to celebrate Oktoberfest, I'm going to show you photos of the Hottest German girls of Germany!

This first girl is Nicole Maria Niemann. This beauty uh, beautified, the pages of the Germany edition of Playboy.

I wonder if the German edition of Playboy is very different from the U.S. version... I'd bet it's pretty similar. What would be different is the Myanmar version of Playboy. Probably a lot more hot chicks with neck rings:

This list would be der total crapfen crap without Heidi Klum. Heidi is a hella-ridiculous-hottie and I'd like her to Munchen on my Frankfurt... Stoooooooooooooooopid!

Heidi is famous for her many different poses. Here is Heidi's classic "I'm-mad-at-you-but-I'm-still-going-to-do-naughty-things-to-you" look.

And course, Heidi's "I'm-all-wet-and-vulnerable-so-please-don't-ravage-me-on-second-thought-do-ravage-me" look.

Next we have Heidi's most common look, "I'm-doing-this-stupid-pose-for-the-10-millionth-time-but-as-long-as-they're-paying-me-it's-all-good."

And finally we have a look that's very popular with the guys called "Side-Boob."

And when speaking of Heidi Klum, one must also bring up Claudia Schiffer:

Heidi Klum and Claudia Schiffer are like the USA and USSR in 1982. Two super powers. But instead of being locked in a Cold War, their war is hot. Very hot.

Heidi and Claudia are an unstoppable duo of German hotness...

Heidi and Claudia are like Montana and Rice, Stockton and Malone, Dre and Snoop, Cheech and Chong, Jerry and George, George and Weezy, Abbot and Costello, Laurel and Hardy, Hall and Oates, Oat and Meal, Ham and Eggs, Bread and Butter, Chocolate and Caramel, Homosexuality and The Theater... Freedom... and Democracy.

Now onto a few lesser-known German hotties.

Here we have Julia Görges (note the fancy dots over the O.)

Julia is an up and coming professional tennis player who will have you guys "up and coming!"

NOTE TO SELF: I am a filthy animal. What the hell is wrong with me?

Julia Görges is hot in a girl-next-door sort of way. Sure she's not a super model. But she's a little cutie who you want to take to the movies and fondle in the dark.

NOTE TO SELF: Okay, seriously, man. WTF?! When will your brain be in charge of your jammy?

MY JAMMY'S NOTE TO SELF: Never! Mwu-ha-ha-ha-ha! You will always be at my mercy!

Next we have Jeanette Biedermann. She is an accomplished German actress and singer.

She's PDH (Pretty Damn Hot). In fact, FHM actually named her "Sexiest Woman in the World." And an award from FHM -- well, that's like uh, almost as prestigious as an MTV Literature Award!

Our next stunning woman is super model Julia Stegner.

Ya know what's cool about Germany? You can be famous for being beautiful with an ugly last name!

Here in America, you'd have to change your last name or use a stage name. But in Germany it's great because you have these beautiful women with names like Stefanie Heidelgorpf. And Lisa Klausenheffer. And let's not forget the gorgeous Ms. Sabrina Schnitzel-Krieg!

NOTE: Yes, I made those names up. But they sound like they could be real!

Above, we see Julia Stegner walking in a crazy dress. Yes, those are playing cards sewn into her dress. Imagine if she walked into a random American bar in that dress?

RANDOM 'MERICAN DUDE: Yeee-haw! Hey, Ms. Super Model! I can see yer cards! Would ya like to play a game of Texas Hold 'em?! 'Cause I have no problem holdin' 'em for ya!

JULIA STEGNER: I am tough German voo-man. I will grahb, then raise your 2 pair until you straight flush.

RANDOM 'MERICAN DUDE: Uh... I fold.

I got 2 more German hotties for you. First we have Collien Fernandes:

Why are her boobies blindfolded? Are they about to be in front of a firing squad?

NOTE TO SELF: Resist making a vulgar sexual reference. Resist!

Collien has a very unique and sexy look:

She was born in Germany but her dad is Portuguese and of Indian heritage and her mother is Hungarian.

So while Angelina Jolie may get credit for working with the United Nations, Collien Fernandes deserves MORE credit because she IS the United Nations.

Collien is an actress/singer and she was in the movie "Night of the Living Dorks." I'm not sure, but judging by the title I'm guessing that she won 2 or 3 Academy Awards.

And finally, we have Sonya Kraus...

Alles Gute zum Geburtstag!

NOTE TO MY GERMAN FRIENDS: I know that last German phrase makes no sense in this context but it sounds good and everyone else is too lazy to find out what it means.

This is the hottest pose ever. Sonya has the sexy hourglass figure and she's laying there as if to say, "Take me!"

And that's hot because in my experience, usually when a girl yells "Take me!" It's followed up with "... on vacation!" or "...out to dinner!"

Man, look how incredibly hot Sonya looks! I want throw warm sauerkraut all over her n@ked body!

Would that be hot? Women wrestling in Jell-o? That's hot. So I say let's get some beautiful German women in a ring to throw sliced cabbage at each other while slapping each other with wieners!