JUSTIN: With the Preakness Stakes coming up, I think that it’s time that we all take a moment of silence for the recently passed filly race horse Eight Bells who had to be put down. And then tell PETA to shut the hell up and stick to nude protesting. I mean it's really hard to take claim that these horses are being mistreated when most of them live better than you and me ever will!  

HOG: I know! These horses get to run around all day. They get lots of oats and apples. They get cheered on by thousands of fans... They get oats!

The horses have good lives. If you're skeptical, think about it this way: When was the last time YOU were cheered on by thousands of screaming fans for doing YOUR job? OK, sure the horses have a mean little boss riding behind them... But YOU have a mean boss riding YOUR ass, too!

JUSTIN: Granted, if Marion Jones or Carl Lewis broke their leg in a race and their trainer put them down we’d all be shocked and then we'd go and watch it on YouTube about a thousand times. But euthanizing fallen horses is the only humane thing to do since, to date, there is no such thing as a wheelchair for a horse.  

HOG: Whoa! That’s a sweet idea! But to be practical, they should do this: Replace the broken leg with a big plastic leg and attach a wheel to the bottom. Either that, or put the horse on a Segway scooter.

JUSTIN: It’s horse racing and like horse trainer Bob Baffert said, “These horses are athletes, and athletes are going to get hurt. How do you prevent it? Nike hasn't come up with a shoe that prevents a sprained ankle."

HOG: What the hell does that mean? I think Nike HAS invented a shoe that can be shoved up Bob Baffert’s throat.
 
JUSTIN: Throat or a$$? I've never seen a person actually shove something UP someones throat. Did you see this in a Steven Segal movie?

HOG: It's because I'll be holding him upside down from the top of a Ferris Wheel while shoving shoes and tomatoes up his throat.

JUSTIN: It’s hard to feel sorry for animals being forced to race each other when you realize that they live better than most of the people in America! When was the last time you woke up, got a massage, ate a breakfast of completely organic food, napped for three hours, had a light workout of jogging or sprinting, followed by another massage, an organic meal and then slept for the rest of the day?  

HOG: This morning. But that’s just me. Except replace the words "jogging and sprinting" with "wanking and panting."

JUSTIN: Plus, think of it this way, an average race horse only races 2-3 years before being retired to stud. So for those of you keeping score at home, these horses are pampered for two years until they're old enough to race, then they get they’re ass whipped around a track for a couple of years while still getting pampered 6 days a week and then after they’re finished racing all they do is have sex and eat all day. Wow that sounds awful, no wonder PETA is protesting and claiming animal cruelty!

HOG: I think the human equivalent to a race horse is a rock star. They make a couple of hit records then they coast on their fame for the next 20 years eating good and banging their aging groupies.  
 
JUSTIN: Does that mean we're going to see a show on Fox called the Big Browns House of Love where 2 year old fillys race each other for a chance to mate with the Kentucky Derby champion? Actually that's not bad, get Fox on the phone just in case!

HOG: If I wanted to see horse-faces on TV, I'd watch Tori Spelling's Reality TV show! Hoo-ah! I mean, N-n-n-n-neigh! :)

Giddy-up!

JUSTIN: Just look at the horrible conditions that the race horse Big Brown had to suffer through after winning the Kentucky Derby. For starters the horse was given three days off to recover from racing a mile and a quarter. This is understandable because I ran a 5k (3.2 miles) and it took me three weeks to recover.

After that, the poor horse was forced to jog 5 days and only actually gallop for 2, with plenty of food and rub downs in between. Not to mention that some poor stable lacky had to trot the horse out to the dirt mounds behind the barn so that Big Brown could watch cars go by each day. Sound rough to you?

HOG: Yes. Sounds boring. Horses need to engage in stimulating conversations with animals of similar intelligence... like members of PETA.

JUSTIN: I understand PETA’s concern for the humane treatment of animals and support their cause but where were they in 1994 when former Kentucky Derby winner Ferdinand was sold to make DOG FOOD??? I mean it's a commonly known fact that this happens but yet you never see naked protesters standing in front of slaughterhouses.  

HOG: What’s the big deal? Why is it OK for our dogs to eat pigs or cows or chickens or children but not horseys?

JUSTIN: Which brings me to the biggest oversight by PETA and that is that Eight Belles was put down at the Kentucky Derby -- one of the biggest horse races in the world and yet PETA didn't send one naked hot chick to protest!

Even if they were wrong in their protest, if they had sent Eva Mendes with nothing on but a sign that said "Horse Racing is cruel" people would be lining up to protest the Preakness Stakes this weekend.

HOG: I’d like to protest naked protesters by splashing ice cold water on their sensitive parts.

JUSTIN: In all seriousness I know that PETA’s concerned about animal rights but as far as racing goes I think that they should focus more on how the animals are treated after they’ve finished racing rather than how they’re being treated while they’re making their owners millions of dollars. Because, trust me, if I had an animal with the potential to make me a million dollars I’m going to do everything short of sexual favors to keep that animal happy!

HOG: And that’s where we differ. See WINNERS do WHATEVER IT TAKES to win. So what if I have get on my knees to tongue Mr. Ed’s b@lls? I tell you this: I won’t be thinking about horse-nuts when I’m sipping Margaritas in Jamaica with the Olympic Bikini Team!

<COUGH>

Ahem. Sorry. Horse pube.

Awwwwww!!! HA HA HA!