Hog's mom does NOT approve of this article.

I always see these commercials on TV with serious looking lawyers in fancy offices explaining to me why I should contact them if I've been hurt. For ANY reason. They tell me that I deserve compensation. These attorneys are really looking out for me!

So, in need of some extra cash, I called one of these professionals on their nifty 800 numbers (as they say, even the phone call is free!) What the heck, right?

ME: Hello. Are you the lawyer from the commercial?

LAWYER GUY: No. I work for him. What can I do for you today?

ME: Oh. Sorry to sound disappointed, but I was hoping to talk to the guy from the commercial. I've never spoken to someone who is a big TV star before! I can't tell you how much of a thrill it would be to talk to him! Do you just get butterflies every time you see him in the office?

LAWYER GUY: I'm very busy. Did you have a injury related question?

ME: Oh, right. Yes. I would like to sue Briana Banks.

LAWYER GUY: We only deal with personal injury lawsuits.

ME: Yes, well, she hurt me.

LAWYER GUY: Who is she to you?

ME: Well, I don't actually know her.

LAWYER GUY: If you don't know her, then how did she hurt you?

ME: She made me miss work.

LAWYER GUY: Missing work due to injury is something we handle. But how could this woman cause you to miss work if you don't even know her?

ME: She is an adult actress.

LAWYER GUY: I'm very busy. I don't...

ME: Hear me out. Please. I've viewed many of her films. And most of them feature gentlemen with extraordinarily large uh, reproductive penises.

LAWYER GUY: Sir...

ME: This has really hurt my self-esteem.

LAWYER GUY: We don't deal with emotional injuries, only physical injuries.

ME: I have suffered physical injuries. She caused me to pull my groin muscle.

LAWYER GUY: That's very funny. I have to go now...

ME: Men across America are injuring themselves and losing time at work because they're staying up late watching these videos. This could be a class-action lawsuit! Porn is a multi-billion dollar industry!

LAWYER GUY: But she didn't hurt you. You hurt yourself.

ME: By that logic, when I slip and fall on a wet floor, it's my own fault for slipping!

LAWYER GUY: Well, no, that's different.

ME: The way I see it, porn is a wet floor and these attractive naked women are seductively telling us men to come to them. Then we slip and fall. And it's our fault?! They lured us in!

LAWYER GUY: I see your point. But we only handle physical injuries.

ME: I do have physical injuries. I'm developing carpel tunnel syndrome in my wrist and... I think I'm going blind!!!

LAWYER GUY: _______

ME: Hello?