Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade: New NFL Float featuring Terrell Owens

NFL Jokes & Thanksgiving Jokes

by HogWild

The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. I’m a born-and-raised New Yorker yet I’ve never brought myself to see the Parade live. You know why? Because it’s freakin’ cold! Maybe one day when I have kids… that’s when I’ll hire someone to take them to the Parade to see this incredible display of Commercialism.

Hey, I love commercials as much as the next guy. Nothing is more American than advertising. But, I know this is weird, I like a little content thrown in.  Any parade that includes a float for McDonald’s…

I think they should have a huge Ronald McDonald balloon floating overhead and as all the kids are watching, suddenly his white face turns blue… then he clutches his huge balloon heart… and then he explodes… raining bits of burgers and French Fries all over the crowd below! That would be cool! And delicious!

There are 8 new floats this year. The one I’m looking forward to is the NFL float. Football greats Joe Namath and Tony Dorsett will be on the float. Michael Irvin will also be there, but my guess is he will abandon the float and run to the Santa Claus float to snort the snow off Mrs. Claus’ breasts.

I love football. So it should be a cool float. Unfortunately though, Terrell Owens told reporters that the float would be a lot better if they replaced Joe Namath with Brett Favre. (If you don’t know who these people are then you are a COMMIE!!! Study sports and come back when you pass your American Citizenship test!)

Kids love the Pokemon Balloon lead by the Pokemobile. Authorities denied Michael Jackson’s request to drive the vehicle.

Thanksgiving is a great time for families to get together. Can’t wait. I especially love my family because they are so generous in giving me comedy material.

Here was my Thanksgiving dinner last year:

Grandpa: Did you hear about that grilled cheese sandwich with the picture of the Virgin Mary in it that sold for $28,000? $28,000 dollars for a grilled cheese sandwich? That's reee-dick-a-lus! And it didn't even come WITH A PICKLE!"

Grandma: Al, did you taste the meat? Did you taste the meat?!

Me and my brother bite our lips to stop the giggling.

Grandma: Al, did you taste the meat? Did you taste the meat?!

Al is gay.

Uncle Danny: I see you've got a Digital Camera. You know, those can only take pictures of numbers.

Everyone stares at Uncle Danny.

Uncle Danny: Get it? Digital? Digits? Numbers!

He's an accountant. This is accountant-humor. At this point, my brother catches my arm as I attempt stab myself in the leg with my fork.

The Cousins: Dad! Mom wants us to wear green sweaters with brown pants! Does brown match green?!!

Uncle Danny: Sure.

The Cousins: Does brown match green?!!

Uncle Danny: Everything matches everything.

I guess that would explain his shirt.

The only decent conversation I had the whole night was with Buddy. I love that dog.

A lot is being made of Turducken. It’s a turkey stuffed with a duck that is stuffed with a chicken. And after you eat it you become a Fatassturducken. Yes, you are now a Fat Ass stuffed with a turkey that was stuffed with a duck that was stuffed with a chicken.

Turducken. Call me old-fashioned. But I don’t eat things with the word “Turd” in them. Now call me stoooooooopid.

If I ate that thing, I'd be a Hogturducken. Actually, that sounds kinda good!

Why just Turducken? Let’s combine everything!  Pumpcranhamcornpie! Yum! Why not? That’s how it comes out after dinner, anyway.

AWWWWW!!! GROSS!!!

Tradition: Every year the President pardons a turkey. This year it will be Congressman Tom DeLay.

ZINGER!!! 

ThanKKKsgiving:

We celebrate how the Pilgrims screwed the red man. Took their maize in exchange for small pox.

I love my country. But I know it was built on racism. That’s what makes our country great (calm down… keep reading) because during every generation there is a new batch of immigrants who get sh!tted on and so they work that much harder to prove everyone wrong.

Back in the day, it was the Irish, Italians, and Jews. Today it’s Mexicans, blacks, and Pakistanis. You know your people have made it when your dad starts saying “This country is going to hell because of those damn _____.” And he fills in the blank with a minority that isn’t you! Congrats!

WARNING. POEM AHEAD!

I Am Thankful For...

God. He is very nice

Cherry Italian ice

And Brown Fried Rice.

My grandma’s chicken soup

The fact that everyday I poop

My mom’s meatloaf

That makes me cut a loaf

My girlfriend’s sweet potato pie

That isn’t innuendo, although I love her “sweet potato pie”

Okay THAT was innuendo

I used to be thankful for my Nintendo

But now I’m thankful for FNP

And the fans of HOGWILD DOT N-E-T

Thankful for my friends who always listen

Even though they call me when they’re $h!ttin’ and pissin’

God damn that’s GROSS

But what I’m thankful for the most

Is freedom from Coast to Coast

And MLK’s message of hope

I wish I was alive back then to tell him…

“Yo, that $h!t was dope!”

* FNP = Free Net Porn

  Expert Dating Advice Videos by me -- HogWild -- professional dating advice: helpful and hilarious.

Watch my helpful and hilarious Expert Dating Advice videos!

How to give a Girl a Kiss she'll NEVER Forget How can I stop being clingy and needy? What are your Rules for Dating? How do you flirt over email or text message? How do I get a girl attracted to me? Does this guy like me or not?! How do I know if I'm really in love? How do I get a guy more attracted to me? Why do nice guys finish last? Neither of us has made the first move. Should I make a move or wait for him?www.hogwild.net

Get Instant Access to over 500 helpful + hilarious dating advice videos you can't find anywhere else! *** Join the HogWild Relationship Revolution! ***

Dating Advice! Expert dating advice videos, your dating advice questions answered by HogWild!