Hog's mom approves of this article.

For the 1st time ever, my family's Thanksgiving will be held at my younger brother's house. This is such an awesome opportunity for him to break with tradition and do some really cool things.

But no, he totally rejected ALL of my ideas to make Thanksgiving a little bit more fun.

Man, I wish I was a grown-up so I could celebrate Thanksgiving the way I want to!

NOTE TO SELF: You ARE a grown-up, you just choose to act like a hyperactive toddler.

NOTE TO SELF: Whatever, doody-head!!! Hee-hee-hee! Who wants to race me?

My incredi-awesome ideas for Thanksgiving that my stupid-head brother rejected:


MY IDEA #1
Musical Chairs!

It's so boring to sit in the same place for 4 hours. It would be more fun if every few minutes, you had to switch seats. And when the music stops, if you don't have a seat, then you are OUT and you don't get any
more food or love.

REASON REJECTED
My stupid-head brother says Grandma's hip has arthritis or bursitis or gingivitis or something so she can't play. And then he says no one else can play because unlike me, they're not morons.

MY IDEA #2
For dessert, we wheel out a giant Sweet Potato Pie. And get this... a Stripper jumps out!

REASON REJECTED
My goober-face brother says Mom won't appreciate it. Plus he says he doesn't want Sweet Potato Pie getting all over the floor. To which I explained, "Duh! That's why the Giant Pie will be on a Giant Mat where we can wrestle the stripper in a wrestling ring of mushy delicious sweet potatoes."

MY IDEA #3
Replace the turkey with tuna fish in a can.

Well, not really. But at first we will tell everybody that's all we can afford this year. Then just as everyone gets upset we yell out "Just kidding!" And then everyone will understand the True Meaning of Thanksgiving because they will be very Thankful we are eating Turkey instead of dry bits of tuna and dolphin fins.

REASON REJECTED
My slime-butt brother says if anyone should be thankful, it should be me for not getting karate-chopped in the Adam's Apple every time I open my mouth.

MY IDEA #4
We should perform a re-enactment of the Thanksgiving story.

Some family members will dress as Pilgrims. Some will dress as Native Americans. And I will dress as a Robot.

REASON REJECTED
My string-bean face brother says there's no robots in Thanksgiving. I KNOW that! But every story is better when there's a robot! Imagine how cool it would've been if when the Pilgrims and Native Americans sat down together, they were attacked by Robots?! Then the Pilgrims and Native Americans would band together against a common electronic enemy -- much like how Google and MySpace have teamed up against Microsoft. The course of history would have been changed forever for the better! And the cooler!

MY IDEA #5
Everyone watches Football on TV on Thanksgiving in order to escape the infinitely boring humans who are sitting next to them. But Thanksgiving is supposed to bring us together! So instead of watching football, we should PLAY football. It will promote family unity and violence!

REASON REJECTED
My fart-butt brother brought up Grandma's hip again. Man, she is slowing us down! I know I won't ever become fragile. Why? Because I refuse to exercise. "Doing stuff" wears out your joints and puts pressure on your bones. NOT doing stuff allows them to rest easy so these parts will still work when you're older.

NOTE TO DUDES: This does not apply to your reproductive-penis. The standard rule applies: "Use it or Lose it."

Anyhow, playing football would encourage teamwork. Plus, c'mon... How many of you aren't looking for an excuse to smash your shoulder into the mouth of a certain obnoxious family member?

NOTE: I realize that I am that certain obnoxious family member.

MY IDEA #6
Sure my other ideas are fun. But I also have serious thoughts. In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I think we should invite someone into our home who is less fortunate and let them sit at the table to watch us eat.

As his stomach growls from starvation, that'll really inspire him to work harder so next year he can eat!

REASON REJECTED
My grumpy-grits brother says this is mean. To which I replied, "No... it's motivational." I should be a Life Coach or a Minister or a Lion-Tamer. Yeah, lions are cool.

MY IDEA #7
Before we eat, each person should read a list of the things they are thankful for.

REASON REJECTED
My zit-grundle brother says this is actually an awesome idea! And they are going to ask everyone to participate!

Except for me.

He says my list would probably be something stupid. But he's wrong! I'll tell you what I'm thankful for...

I'm thankful for my health, and for my friends and for my family and for Velcro and for boobies and for Velcro bras full of boobies and for red Skittles and for snow and for Benjamin Franklin and for inter-racial anal-Asian midget p*rn!

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