Hog's mom does NOT approve of this article.

On to the next round of March MILF Madness! (If you're just joining me, get with the program! You might want to catch up with Part 1 and Part 2.) And the Amazing 8, Part 1. And the Amazing 8, Part 2.

We are down to the Final Four hot celebrity moms. Here are the brackets:

We're down to the final four celebrity moms I'd like to fondle.

NOTE: And by fondle I mean #$%^!

NOTE: And by #$%^ I mean %$@ in the $@% while female Swedish acrobats in bikinis %^#@ each other with %&@ in the %@* while playing the trumpet!

NOTE TO SELF: You are a #@*^ing idiot!

Our 1st match-up is a battle of new moms. Halle Berry vs. Salma Hayek.

I know you're all here to experience my semi-hilarious HogWild commentary but because there are some people who don't know what these women look like, I MUST post a few pictures. Ugh. What a chore!

Here is Salma Hayek:

As they say in Salma's native Mexico, she looks Awesome-o!

Now some women look just fine pregnant but Salma Hayek looked like this:

If you blink, you might mistake her for this:

Can she get her figure back? Or was it stolen forever by the Hamburglar?

In making these final decisions, I like to consider the man she's with:

So who's her dude? François-Henri Pinaul. Who? Oh, just a regular guy. Who owns a pairs of socks that is worth more your place of residence. You ever hear of Gucci? Yeah. He's the CEO of the company that owns THAT company. See, regular guys CAN get A+ women!

But I like this Pinaul dude better than Halle Berry's guy. Because Pinaul got his hot chick the old fashioned way -- he bought her. Halle Berry's dude is male model Gabriel Aubrey:

He's got every man's dream job -- to walk around in his underwear! My dad missed his calling. Because he'd always parade around the house in the underwear, modeling off the season's "air-conditioned" look of random holes and yellow "sunshine" stains.

Halle Berry looks pretty decent in underwear:

NOTE: By pretty decent I mean I want to %$@ in the $@% while female Swedish acrobats in bikinis %^#@ each other with %&@ in the %@* while playing the trumpet!

FUN FACT: Did you know that Halle is named after a department store in Cleveland? Really!

I think Halle should continue this fine tradition by naming her kids:

Target Berry and Wal-Mart Berry. Maybe throw in a fancy name like Nordstrom Berry. I think the best name would be Daffy's Berry.

MILFing Halle Berry is also a prestigious act of copulation because she's won a BET award! Yes! A BET award! Oh, and an Academy Award for Best Actress. But dude, a BET Award!!!

Because I'm not sure if Salma Hayek can bring her body to its pre-Walrus state, I gotta go with Halle Berry:

Next up, Heidi Klum vs. Angelina Jolie.

This isn't even close.

Heidi:

Angelina:

Both women are hot. Duh.

But these days, Angelina is way too responsible to be great in bed. Ask me this question a few years ago and I go with Angelina because she used to awesomely crazy. And everyone knows crazy girls are the best in bed. But now she's all upstanding and adopting babies.

Although Britney Spears didn't make the MILF cut, she's probably better than all these chicks in bed because she's the nuttiest. I imagine sex with Britney Spears involves lots of screaming. Not from her. From me! Because she splashed her hot Cappuccino in my face as she's writhing on top, calling out to God in a British accent.

What was I talking about?

Oh yeah. Heidi Klum advances! It's gonna be Heidi Klum vs. Halle Berry!

So stay tuned for the Taking-it-like-a-Championship Round!

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