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Jessica Simpson, The Rolling Stones, Betting Man Stan, My Girlfriend, and a little Football Game called the Super Bowl

NFL Super Bowl Jokes. Funny Pictures.

by HogWild

Weird atmosphere at the Super Bowl party. No one was cheering for either team.

* Some guys are cheering for a specific score.
* Some guys are cheering for injuries.
* Some guys are cheering for the commercials.
* I'm cheering whenever a new batch of chicken wings comes out.
* The girls are cheering for the game to be over.

My girl hates football. Why was she at this Super Bowl party? Who knows? Maybe because she saw my story about HogWild's Ultimate Super Bowl Party and wanted to make sure she could keep the bikini girls in check.

My girlfriend is complaining.

Girlfriend: The 2 minute warning takes 2 hours!
Me: Yes, it's the same clock YOU use when you say, "I'll only be in the store for 2 minutes!"

To keep my girl happy, I had to perform some Girlfriend Maintenance (GM) during the game.

Every so often, I'd give her the emotional support she craves, while sending her subliminal messages that football is good.

* Baby, you've blitzed my senses and sacked my heart.

* Baby, you are so sexy. When I see you naked, there is referee in my pants saying, "It's up! And it's good!"

* Sweetheart, even though we had a rough 1st quarter, you make me glad I didn't punt you.

* I've met some pretty women and tackled a few -- but you're the only one I want to go into double overtime with.

* Let's go to the bedroom for some penalties: Unnecessary Roughness followed by Holding.

* Baby, being with you is like the ceremonial coin toss. Whether I get head or tail, I win.

She made a face.

Then I made, what I thought, was a very clever remark about her End Zone. She had a knee-jerk reaction... into my crotch. Good thing I always wear my athletic cup to watch football.

My buddy "Betting Man Stan" bet on the game. He's cheering for his Super Bowl square. I interview him.

Pre-Game Interview with Betting Man Stan

me: What's your strategy for the Super Bowl?
Stan: Stay calm. I'm gonna take it 1 play at a time.
me: Do you think your experience will pay off?
Stan: Sure. This is the 10th time I've bet on the Super Bowl. You learn some things. I know what it takes to win. Now hopefully those guys on the field can execute as I've predicted. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to grab a beer.

1st they had a ceremony where the MVPs of all the past Super Bowls ran out (or hobbled out) onto the field. Cool. NY Jets legend Joe Namath looked good. Opened his jacket to reveal a Jets logo... and a flask of whiskey.

Aaron Neville sang the National Anthem. He's a soft spoken guy with a face tattoo. Scary. Because I only know one other person like that and he eats people's ears.

What was the Jessica Simpson - Miss Piggy commercial all about? Oh, I think I got it! Hot girls like Jessica Simpson eat Pizza Hut! Then that turns them into Miss Piggy! For an example, see Britney Spears.

Rolling Kidney Stones Half Time Show

A lot of gyrating and pelvic thrusting for the 62,000 year old Mick Jagger. His surgeon should be proud. The new hip seems to be working out well.

I love Mick Jagger. The guy is still kickin' ass. I hope when I'm 62,000 years old, I'm still rockin' out, like Mick, chugging the Prune Juice flavored Gatorade.

You may have noticed that the Rocking Chair Rock Star Mick Jagger only sung half the words. Was he out of breath? Or was it because he forgot the lyrics?

Supposedly some of his words were censored out of the show by the NFL. All of his lyrics had to be approved beforehand, so the only explanation is that something surprised the Mick Jagger to make him swear. Maybe he
had an uncontrolled bowel movement? "Oh crap! Crap."

The half time show was mediocre. But then I saw the LAMEST thing of All-Time. You know how you wave your lighter to a rock song? Those were forbidden on the field. So everyone is waving glow sticks instead of lighters.

Then I realized why. The flames would have caused Mick Jagger's life support oxygen tank to explode.

Unsolved Mystery: Why was Mick Jagger wearing a belly shirt?

FACT: When Mick Jagger began his career, football players were wearing leather helmets.

Post Game Interview with Betting Man Stan

me: Things didn't work out as you'd hoped.
Stan: Yeah, I'm not going to Disney World.
me: Where are you going?
Stan: Back to work. Hopefully they'll have some overtime hours for me. I'm out $3,000 dollars.
me: What went wrong today?
Stan: You know, I tried my best. Crossed my fingers. I prayed. Waved my arms as the football was kicked in the air. Sometimes you just have to tip your hat to the other 99 teams in the office pool.

So the Super Bowl ends. Stan is weeping. I have to take a huge dump. The girls are cheering, "Our Sundays are back!"
 

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