mom does NOT approve of this article.
I love the
vagina. It's a metaphor for Woman herself. Complicated.
Multi-layered. Small in size but powerful. Soft. Very sensitive.
Sometimes needs a gentle touch and other times needs a firm hand.
Requires a highly-competent partner. Values quality time.
The vagina is like a Van Gogh painting. Up close it's not so
attractive; you need to step back to admire its beauty.
A girl once asked me, "What does my vagina feel like?"
So I gave her a comprehensive 1-word answer: Heaven.
But I'm not here to discuss the various merits of the muff. I'm here
today to talk about a particular type of vagina. A rare vagina.
All vaginas are jewels to be treasured. But there is one
type of vagina that is so rare but is still not getting the
attention it deserves.
Now girls, I read that only 6% of women have this type of
hoo-ha. So don't feel like your lady-hole isn't good enough. There are
many factors that go into a great hoo-ha.
3. Ease of orgasm
4. (L.O.S.) Lack of stink
5. (E.G.A.) Extra gushing action
6. Squeezing ability
7. the number of other men it associates with
8. the woman who owns it
Girls have factors that use to determine if they like a penis, too. I
used to think it was all about size. But no! Now I know that
girls also care how it looks! The shape, the curve. This girl
told me I had a pretty penis. What?! So now I'm trying to
pretty it up. I put make-up on it. A little blush...
HA HA HA!
Again ladies, I'm sure your personal vagina is awesome. And you
know, vaginas have good days and bad days just like people. If a girl is
preoccupied with work or in "a mood" her vagina will not be as friendly.
Sex is sooooo mental. The vagina is directly connected to
a woman's brain... whereas a man's penis IS his brain.
I was lucky enough to experience a girl with a wonderful vaginal vagina.
Very wet. But she told me a story of a past lover who complained that
her vagina was as dry as a Brut Champagne.
NOTE TO MY REGULAR FANS: That last metaphor
was an attempt to class-up this place and draw in more sophisticated
readers. I'm sorry! I will never leave you again! Re-written in classic
HogWild style: Her vagina was as dry as a camel's butt hole in the
scorching desert sun.
The reason for this disparity in Vaginal moisture was because this girl
considered this particular dude to be a "mistake" lay. It was a
1-night-stand and she didn't feel comfortable.
Back to my story...
Up to this point I felt as if my life was meaningless and incomplete.
I turned to the Great Philosophers but received no
inspiration. I turned to God but He had no answers. But
now... NOW I feel complete and content ever since accidentally
Yes gentlemen and curious ladies, I finally found a girl who squirts
when she orgasms!
I've had gushers, leakers, twitchers, shakers, and oozers but never the
ultimate... a squirtacious squirtalicious squirter.
For those of you who are not perverted, er, "sexually enthusiastic" like
me, I will explain the phenomenon known as squirting:
Squirting is when an excited vagina will physically squirt out the
feminine juices from the vagina and soak everything in its path.
Some people contend that ALL women can squirt if provided with enough
stimulation. I don't think this is true. It think all women can
gush -- but squirt? I think this goes in the category of special
It makes sense because everyone has a special talent.
NOTE: According to my 1st grade teacher.
When I first meet a girl I like to ask what she feels is her special
talent. It gives me insight into her personality. Most girls will
hesitate to answer at first, but when pressed they come up with
something like, drawing, singing, cooking, dancing, being
double-jointed, etc. But this girl had NO answer.
But now I know she just didn't want to tell me before she could SHOW me!
Technically vaginal squirtage is ejected vaginal lubrication through the
mucous membranes. This prompted my best friend to call it "vaginal
Yeah, that's pleasant. But not accurate. What the hell is this
So I called one of my smart doctor friends. He tells me it's urine.
Oh HELL no!
This can't be! Why do you have to ruin my life? First of all, the
stuff was CLEAR. There was no color. I think it's sugar water. Or
Kool-Aid. Maybe Lemon-Aid. No! It was CLEAR! Clear Kool-Aid.
Not satisfied, I go the #1 source of all accurate information: Wikipedia.
Wikipedia specifically states it is NOT urine. Shwew!
But there is still confusion amongst experts over what exactly is in it.
You know, we spend billions of dollars studying all sorts of
useless crap, where are the Vaginal Ejaculation Researchers?!
NOTE TO SELF: Re-write resume.
The other interesting thing in the Wikipedia article was that they say
female squirtitude happens mostly after stimulating the G-spot.
I agree. This little button inside the hoo-ha is amazing. It's
not that difficult to find on most girls so I'm not sure what all the
fuss is about. Anyway, if you push this magic button enough a girl will
orgasm (as long as she is mentally ready.)
I'll explain how to do it, but I'm not trying to be salacious, I am a
sex scientist! I experiment for the benefit of mankind. I should be
awarded a Nobel Prize in Humping.
Here's how to do it:
Usually the G-Spot (the G stands for Geeeee-Zus Christ that feels
good!) is towards the front of a woman. So if she's laying on her back
use your finger, or penis or salad tong and search up and towards her
It usually isn't very far up there. Maybe 3 inches. To make it
easier to reach with your fingers, have her arch her back. You
can help her arch her back by putting a pillow under the small of her
back, or lifting her
slightly or by poking her in the ribs with a Taser.
If you still can't reach it, you can pull the internal vagina skin down
towards you. This will pull the G-spot button with it so you can reach
it. It will feel like a fleshy 3-D square. Any contact with it and the
girl will go crazy with pleasure. She may moan, groan, or propose
I had one girl instruct me to "Do that forever."
WARNING: Guys, while
performing this action you will probably experience SWP. (Severe Wrist
Pain.) So I suggest you wear one of those sexy Carpel Tunnel wrist
While you're doing this you can also stimulate her clitoris. If you
can't find that then you suck and should give up at sex.
Just kidding. That you can look up on the internet. It's PDE
(Pretty Damn Easy) to find. Though
I will say different girls like their clit-o-ramas rubbed differently
just like us dudes like our jammies rubbed
For bonus points and to accelerate the orgasmic process, you can
talk dirty in her ear. Tell her all the things you will do to her. And
say it like a man! Use your deep sexy voice not your
normal whiny f@ggot voice.
NOTE TO F@GGOTS: While I have a high respect for
g@y guys and all they've done for interior design and women's fashion, I
think super-girlie g@y men (f@ggots) need to quit acting like f@ggots
and more like manly homos with handle-bar moustaches.
Sorry, back to the point. I had no advanced prior knowledge of
this girl's squirting tendencies. So when she first squirted, it was a
total surprise. So much so that I started laughing!
No one likes to be laughed at while naked.
HER: What are you laughing at?!
ME: Wow. I'm laughing because this is the greatest thing ever.
There are special precautions you must take when in bed with a
1 - Be sure to use a condom! Not for your wiener, for the
A squirter will
flood your entire bedroom and you'll need to evacuate under orders from
the National Guard.
2 - Goggles.
3 - Cover all nearby documents, books, and electronic
equipment with a tarp. Because just imagine:
YOU: Here is the presentation, sir.
YOUR BOSS: What the hell? Why are these papers soaked?
YOU: (sigh) My girlfriend squirted on them.
YOUR BOSS: High-five!
That would be awkward.
Now that I've had a squirter I have another fantasy. I want 4 girls
to squirt at once! It would look like one of those fancy fountains
at the mall! Cool!
Now be sure to check out my VIDEOS! Sex advice + dating advice!