Hog's mom does NOT approve of this article.

I love the vagina. It's a metaphor for Woman herself. Complicated. Multi-layered. Small in size but powerful. Soft. Very sensitive. Sometimes needs a gentle touch and other times needs a firm hand. Requires a highly-competent partner. Values quality time.

The vagina is like a Van Gogh painting. Up close it's not so attractive; you need to step back to admire its beauty.

A girl once asked me, "What does my vagina feel like?"

So I gave her a comprehensive 1-word answer: Heaven.

But I'm not here to discuss the various merits of the muff. I'm here today to talk about a particular type of vagina. A rare vagina. All vaginas are jewels to be treasured. But there is one type of vagina that is so rare but is still not getting the attention it deserves.

Now girls, I read that only 6% of women have this type of hoo-ha. So don't feel like your lady-hole isn't good enough. There are many factors that go into a great hoo-ha.

1. Tightness
2. Wetness
3. Ease of orgasm
4. (L.O.S.) Lack of stink
5. (E.G.A.) Extra gushing action
6. Squeezing ability
7. the number of other men it associates with
8. the woman who owns it

Girls have factors that use to determine if they like a penis, too. I used to think it was all about size. But no! Now I know that girls also care how it looks! The shape, the curve. This girl told me I had a pretty penis. What?! So now I'm trying to pretty it up. I put make-up on it. A little blush...

HA HA HA!

Again ladies, I'm sure your personal vagina is awesome. And you know, vaginas have good days and bad days just like people. If a girl is preoccupied with work or in "a mood" her vagina will not be as friendly.

Sex is sooooo mental. The vagina is directly connected to a woman's brain... whereas a man's penis IS his brain.

I was lucky enough to experience a girl with a wonderful vaginal vagina. Very wet. But she told me a story of a past lover who complained that her vagina was as dry as a Brut Champagne.

NOTE TO MY REGULAR FANS: That last metaphor was an attempt to class-up this place and draw in more sophisticated readers. I'm sorry! I will never leave you again! Re-written in classic HogWild style: Her vagina was as dry as a camel's butt hole in the scorching desert sun.

The reason for this disparity in Vaginal moisture was because this girl considered this particular dude to be a "mistake" lay. It was a 1-night-stand and she didn't feel comfortable.

Back to my story...

Up to this point I felt as if my life was meaningless and incomplete. I turned to the Great Philosophers but received no inspiration. I turned to God but He had no answers. But now... NOW I feel complete and content ever since accidentally finding...

THE SQUIRTER

Yes gentlemen and curious ladies, I finally found a girl who squirts when she orgasms!

I've had gushers, leakers, twitchers, shakers, and oozers but never the ultimate... a squirtacious squirtalicious squirter.

For those of you who are not perverted, er, "sexually enthusiastic" like me, I will explain the phenomenon known as squirting:

Squirting is when an excited vagina will physically squirt out the feminine juices from the vagina and soak everything in its path.

Some people contend that ALL women can squirt if provided with enough stimulation. I don't think this is true. It think all women can gush -- but squirt? I think this goes in the category of special talent.

It makes sense because everyone has a special talent.

NOTE: According to my 1st grade teacher.

When I first meet a girl I like to ask what she feels is her special talent. It gives me insight into her personality. Most girls will hesitate to answer at first, but when pressed they come up with something like, drawing, singing, cooking, dancing, being double-jointed, etc. But this girl had NO answer.

Very unusual.

But now I know she just didn't want to tell me before she could SHOW me!

Technically vaginal squirtage is ejected vaginal lubrication through the mucous membranes. This prompted my best friend to call it "vaginal snot."

Yeah, that's pleasant. But not accurate. What the hell is this stuff exactly?

So I called one of my smart doctor friends. He tells me it's urine.

Eeeeeeeeeeeewwwww!!!

Oh HELL no!

This can't be! Why do you have to ruin my life? First of all, the stuff was CLEAR. There was no color. I think it's sugar water. Or Kool-Aid. Maybe Lemon-Aid. No! It was CLEAR! Clear Kool-Aid.

Not satisfied, I go the #1 source of all accurate information: Wikipedia.

Wikipedia specifically states it is NOT urine. Shwew!

But there is still confusion amongst experts over what exactly is in it. You know, we spend billions of dollars studying all sorts of useless crap, where are the Vaginal Ejaculation Researchers?!

NOTE TO SELF: Re-write resume.

The other interesting thing in the Wikipedia article was that they say female squirtitude happens mostly after stimulating the G-spot.

I agree. This little button inside the hoo-ha is amazing. It's not that difficult to find on most girls so I'm not sure what all the fuss is about. Anyway, if you push this magic button enough a girl will orgasm (as long as she is mentally ready.)

I'll explain how to do it, but I'm not trying to be salacious, I am a sex scientist! I experiment for the benefit of mankind. I should be awarded a Nobel Prize in Humping.

Here's how to do it:

Usually the G-Spot (the G stands for Geeeee-Zus Christ that feels good!) is towards the front of a woman. So if she's laying on her back use your finger, or penis or salad tong and search up and towards her
stomach.

It usually isn't very far up there. Maybe 3 inches. To make it easier to reach with your fingers, have her arch her back. You can help her arch her back by putting a pillow under the small of her back, or lifting her
slightly or by poking her in the ribs with a Taser.

If you still can't reach it, you can pull the internal vagina skin down towards you. This will pull the G-spot button with it so you can reach it. It will feel like a fleshy 3-D square. Any contact with it and the girl will go crazy with pleasure. She may moan, groan, or propose marriage.

I had one girl instruct me to "Do that forever."

WARNING: Guys, while performing this action you will probably experience SWP. (Severe Wrist Pain.) So I suggest you wear one of those sexy Carpel Tunnel wrist braces.

While you're doing this you can also stimulate her clitoris. If you can't find that then you suck and should give up at sex.

Just kidding. That you can look up on the internet. It's PDE (Pretty Damn Easy) to find. Though I will say different girls like their clit-o-ramas rubbed differently just like us dudes like our jammies rubbed
differently.

For bonus points and to accelerate the orgasmic process, you can talk dirty in her ear. Tell her all the things you will do to her. And say it like a man! Use your deep sexy voice not your normal whiny f@ggot voice.

NOTE TO F@GGOTS: While I have a high respect for g@y guys and all they've done for interior design and women's fashion, I think super-girlie g@y men (f@ggots) need to quit acting like f@ggots and more like manly homos with handle-bar moustaches.

Sorry, back to the point. I had no advanced prior knowledge of this girl's squirting tendencies. So when she first squirted, it was a total surprise. So much so that I started laughing!

No one likes to be laughed at while naked.

HER: What are you laughing at?!
ME: Wow. I'm laughing because this is the greatest thing ever.

There are special precautions you must take when in bed with a squirter.

1 - Be sure to use a condom! Not for your wiener, for the mattress!

A squirter will flood your entire bedroom and you'll need to evacuate under orders from the National Guard.

2 - Goggles.

3 - Cover all nearby documents, books, and electronic equipment with a tarp. Because just imagine:

YOU: Here is the presentation, sir.
YOUR BOSS: What the hell? Why are these papers soaked?
YOU: (sigh) My girlfriend squirted on them.
YOUR BOSS: High-five!

That would be awkward.

Now that I've had a squirter I have another fantasy. I want 4 girls to squirt at once! It would look like one of those fancy fountains at the mall! Cool!
 

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