How to Find the Right Partner: Stuff in Common Versus Values in Common

by me, HogWild

Too often when considering someone to be our next girlfriend or boyfriend we ask, "What do we have in common?"

AGE 19: We both enjoy touching our fun parts together! Woo-hoo!

AGE 29: We both enjoy museums and drinking red wine. Woo-hoo!

AGE 99: We both enjoy... what was the question? ... Hey, someone asked us a question! Woo-hoo!

Yes, it's great to have STUFF in common... activities you both enjoy. That certainly makes a relationship more fun! It's important.

But there is something MUCH more important. You should ask, "Do you snore? If so, tell me about the volume and bass response."

I don't snore! But sometimes I dream that I'm a motorcycle.

Ask yourself, "What VALUES do we have in common?"

Because your values determine the kind of life you want. And isn't that what building a relationship is all about? Deciding how you will live your life together?

Take two people who both love to read mystery novels and eat asparagus. That's great. They're gonna have fun every Friday night! Woo-hoo! Let's solve the mystery of who farted asparagus first!

The butler did it! Emphasis on the BUTT. haha

NOTE TO IMMATURE SELF: Stop acting like a 4 year old.

NOTE TO *MATURE* SELF: Shut up, poopy pants!!!

But what if her #1 value is career and his #1 value is family? Sure, she wants kids -- probably -- but she will always be working long hours and her main focus will be be on her job. How will that affect her happiness when he's asking her to be more involved in raising the children?

It can be a challenge to discover someone's values. The first clue is where they spend their time.

But here's the catch... going to work everyday at your job doesn't necessarily mean you highly value that particular industry or part of your life. If you love it, it does. Otherwise it can mean that you value being responsible, or making a good living, or whatever that job REPRESENTS to you.

So you have to find out this other person's REASONS for doing what they do.

If you like a person and they go to church every week you might assume, they value God or spirituality. But that could be way off.

You need to find out WHY they go to church. Is it because they believe? Is it because they feel OBLIGATED? Is it because they feel GUILTY if they don't live up to their family's expectation? Is it because they love to socialize there? Is it because they enjoy using it as a place to nap while hungover?

Huh? What? I wasn't snoring! I was acting out the biblical Plagues of Egypt! I was a frog!

Too many differences in what you value will cause lots of conflict.

For example, valuing a simple life vs. a life of adventure.

creating a family vs. being carefree

career first or family first

partner first or children first

often spontaneous vs. thriving in routine

being nice to everyone vs. you can't be nice to everyone

constant self-improvement & education vs. being relaxed about yourself

delayed gratification or enjoy it now because you don't know what the future might bring

friends first or relationship first

parents first or relationship first

keeping promises or being flexible if circumstances change

give to others first or take care of yourself first

live by rules or live by feelings in the moment

Rarely are you totally one side or the other. But for each of those, think about which side you tend to be on.

Go back and listen to those again. If you have a lot of big differences, it's going to be VERY difficult to have a peaceful relationship. You're a bad match. Here's an example...

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