Hog's mom does NOT approve of this article.

This is it! The Final Round of March MILF Madness! (If you're just joining me, you missed everything! You can see all the action with Part 1 and Part 2.) And the Amazing 8, Part 1. And the Amazing 8, Part 2. And the Final Four-Play.

Here are the brackets:

Let's begin!

Ladies and Gentlemen... OK, who am I kidding?

Curious ladies and horny dudes... Welcome to HogWild's MILF Taking-it-like-a-Championship!

It's defending MILF Champion Heidi Klum...

 

... Taking on new MILF Halle Berry!

 

Let's get ready to Rrrrrrr-ub it!

Celebrity judges, introduce yourselves!

RYAN SEACREST: Seacrest here. I'm everywhere.

KEVIN FEDERLINE: Yo.

BRITNEY SPEARS: Howdy, y'all! I feel like I'm the most qualified judge being as I used to be hot. And I used to be a mother! Damn Child Welfare Services!

MARIO & LUIGI: It's-a honor to-a be-a heeya! We love-a da MILFs!

Let's begin by looking at Halle Berry.

KEVIN FEDERLINE: Yo, Halle be fine, yo! She's a dime fo' trill! I'd impregnate dat azz.

BRITNEY SPEARS: Damn it, Kevin! You're always trying to impregnate someone! You lazy bastard! Get a job instead of living off my child support!

KEVIN FEDERLINE: I got a job, woman! I make music! Wanna hear my new song?

BRITNEY & RYAN SEACREST & MARIO & LUIGI: NO!!!

RYAN SEACREST: Listen, Halle Berry is beautiful. But let's talk about her former lovers! She was married to David Justice! Two words for Mr. Justice... Hot. E. Woo! I wouldn't mind having Justice prevail over me! Ow! I mean, uh, ahem... I am NOT gay!

MARIO: I'm-a Mario!
LUIGI: I'm-a Luigi
MARIO & LUIGI: And Ryan Seacrest is-a Princess Peach! HA HA HA!

RYAN SEACREST: Shut up! You guys aren't even real! You're video game characters!

MARIO: Ay! Shove these coins up-a ya ass!
LUIGI: Oh no! I think he would-a like that!
MARIO & LUIGI: HA HA HA!

BRITNEY SPEARS: I think Halle Berry is hot in those X-Men movies. I like how she has the power to change the weather. I wish I had that power! I would make it sunshiney every day! No more rain! Ever!

RYAN SEACREST: Then where would we get water?

BRITNEY SPEARS: Water comes in bottles now, stupid! Duh!

RYAN SEACREST: Ugh. Anyway, Halle Berry is hot not only for her lovely figure but she's extraordinarily talented! For her role in Monster's Ball she won the Academy Award for Best Actress!

MARIO & LUIGI: And for her role as a Bond girl in Die Another Day, she should-a won an award for BREAST Actress! Oh! We love-a da-boobies! She's got-a nice raviolis!

KEVIN FEDERLINE: I like how she was in Jungle Fever -- a movie about a white woman getting with a black guy. I can relate to that because I used to be married to a white woman, too.

BRITNEY SPEARS: Kevin! You're white!

KEVIN FEDERLINE: Stop hating on my choice of ethnicity!

OK, now let's discuss the merits of MILFing Heidi Klum.

RYAN SEACREST: Heidi Klum is gorgeous. And she's married to Seal who I hear has a big wang. I mean, uh, did you hear that song he SANG?! He SANG! Woo, is he a good swinger! Er, SINGER! Dammit! I am NOT gay!

MARIO: Ryan Spermcrest, what's with-a the talk about man-cannolis? We-a hee-ya to talk about-a MILFs, not-a your love of the veiny pickle!

LUIGI: Ooh! Veiny pickle! Mario, that is a-disgusting even for-a you!

MARIO: I'm-a sorry Luigi. I've been spending too much time with a-evil Wario!

RYAN SEACREST: I like pickles.

BRITNEY SPEARS: Me too! Especially ones with bumps on them!

KEVIN FEDERLINE: Dang it, Britney! It's talk like that that makes me unsure if I want to re-unite with yer vergina!

BRITNEY SPEARS: I told you, I don't love you any more! I love prescription medication.

KEVIN FEDERLINE: Dog gone it, Brit! You've gone Hollywood! We used to get messed up on Coors Lite and chewin' tobacco. Now you've got yer fancy pills and champagne-flavored cocaine. You make me sick!

RYAN SEACREST: People! Let's focus on the tusk in our hand! Er, TASK at hand! How MILFalicious is Heidi Klum?

MARIO: Oh she is-a very MILF-worthy. I'd like to give her the big Italian sausage!
LUIGI: And I'd like to taste her-a home-made sauce on my moustache!

RYAN SEACREST: You boys are despicable! Ms. Klum is a beautiful model, jewelry designer and painter!

MARIO: A painter? Well I have-a paintbrush for HER!
LUIGI: Oh Mario! That is-a so terrible! But-a so funny!

SIDE NOTE: I noticed that Cameron Diaz looks kinda like Heidi Klum if you're really drunk and you slam two peppermint Altoids into your eye sockets.

BRITNEY SPEARS: I'll tell you who I'm voting for... Heidi Klum! Because she reminds me of someone awesome... me! Me and Heidi both dye our hair blonde. We're both really hot. We both were with black guys...

KEVIN FEDERLINE: Finally you recognize, woman!

BRITNEY SPEARS: ... We both made babies come out of our hoo-ha's and we both have foreign accents. Hers is German and mine is a mystical version of Olde English from the 14th Century.

KEVIN FEDERLINE: See, Brit! You're tryin' to be all-Hollywood like yer friend Merdonna! You never spoke Olde English before... you used to DRINK Olde English!

BRITNEY SPEARS: Shut up, Kevin! You smell like weed and baby wipes!

KEVIN FEDERLINE: That's because you make ME take care of the kids while you go out to party! If you was smart like me, you'd party INSIDE with the kids! Did you know that you can make a bong out of a baby's bottle?

BRITNEY SPEARS: Really? That's cool!

RYAN SEACREST: I think you two are made for each other. So let's see, we have Britney voting for Heidi Klum, Kevin Federline voting for Halle Berry. I guess that leaves my vote and the vote of Mario & Lugi.

I'm voting for the beautiful Halle Berry. Boys?

MARIO & LUIGI: It-a sucks that-a our vote only counts once! But we will-a tell you who makes us want to power-up to twice our normal size and shoot fireballs... Heidi Klum! Yes, us Italians have a history of siding with the Germans! Let's-a give Heidi Klum the Super Mushroom mark! HA HA HA! We are-a pigs! HA HA HA!

OK, so the vote is tied! But ties are bootleg! We must have a clear winner! So here with the tie-breaking vote is...

 

LION-O from The Thundercats!

LION-O: Thunder! Thunder! Thundercats, Ho!
KEVIN FEDERLINE: Don't you call my Britney a ho! OR a thundercat! Sure, she's gained some meat on her thighs but...

LION-O: Lion-o has entered a treacherous situation. I must pass this trial... I must show leadership by choosing between two beautiful women. Halle Berry or Heidi Klum? If I choose wrong, then the entire fate of Third Earth will be in jeopardy!

MARIO: This guy is a-real drama queen!

RYAN SEACREST: I know! And I love him! In a, uh, man-cat sort of way. Ahem! I am NOT... oh, whatever.

LION-O: Sword of Omens, give me sight beyond sight!

LUIGI: Ryan Seacrest has a sword o'men! HA HA HA!

RYAN SEACREST: Shut up you glorified pizza boy!

MARIO: Was that an ethnic slur?!

RYAN SEACREST: Oh, no! Definitely not! Ryan Seacrest is middle-America 100% mainstream politically-correct! I love everyone! I kiss everyone's ass!

LUIGI: I told you he liked to kiss da ass! HA HA!

LION-O: To make my decision, I must consult the Code of Thundera... "Justice! Truth! Honor! And Loyalty!" Which one of these ladies best exemplifies the Code?!

BRITNEY SPEARS: Ya know, this is supposed to be a MILF contest. Lion-O can I ask you something?

LION-O: Anything! I fear no question!

BRITNEY SPEARS: Are you a... virgin?

LION-O: Whoa! That's highly inappropriate! I uh... I'm not alley cat, I can tell you that! I have high morals and... uh... I think I'm sweating.

BRITNEY SPEARS: Come with me, Lion-O. Let's see how this lion roars.

LION-O: Um, OK. I will submit to the trial of your Funky Pyramid.

10 minutes later...

BRITNEY SPEARS: <puff, puff> How was it for you, KING of the Jungle?

LION-O: Lion-O... has no... energy... left...

BRITNEY SPEARS: Good. Now you can make your decision. You just needed a little cat-nip.

KEVIN FEDERLINE: Britney! You screwed Lion-O?! I don't believe this! You told me you would stop after He-Man! Have you boinked EVERY Saturday morning cartoon?

LION-O: Lion-O now has information to base decision... I choose... whoever Britney wants me too! I submit to the power of the hoo-ha! For it is more powerful than even the mighty Sword of Plun-Darr!

BRITNEY SPEARS: Woo-hoo! That means Heidi wins! Kevin, I'm so happy I'm gonna let you penetrate me tonight!

KEVIN FEDERLINE: Dang it, girl! I don't want sloppy seconds from a Thundercat!

BRITNEY SPEARS: Well, not exactly SECONDS...

PANTHRO: I had her, too!

COBRA COMMANDER: And so did I!

"And we all Smurfed the heck out of her!"

Want a kick-ass comedy show for your college or party? Email me for details.