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Hey Hog,

Your dating advice is hilarious! Do you have any rules for dating? You know, like the "Don't call for at least 3 days after the first date" rule?

- C in New York City

Hog's Dating Tips:

HogWild's Rules for Dating

* Show up to the date on time.
Being late is rude and it shows you're not excited about meeting this person.

Guys, if the girl is late, don't let her off the hook. It shows weakness and she'll walk all over you. Tell her she can make it up to you by buying you a drink.

Girls, if the guy is late, let him know that while you don't approve of his tardiness, you do appreciate a man who "comes after you." Then wink and jiggle your boobies.

HINT: Don't do that.

* Learn the art of conversation.
This is a whole other topic, but in brief, don't talk about boring things like weather, traffic, or work (unless it's your passion or your date's passion!).

Conversation Topics to avoid at the beginning:
- Your ex
- Politics
- Religion
- Your ex
- Controversial medical procedures
- How your family used to be Nazis
- Your ex
- Your allergies
- Your laundry schedule
- The World Bank's fiscal policy in response to global inflation of commodities as it relates to your ex's hoo-hoo-dilly

* Dates are not about the place, they are about getting to know each other. You want to go somewhere you can talk.

- movie (can't talk in the theater)
- comedy club (can't talk during a live performance)
- S&M Swingers club (can't talk because of the red muzzle on your mouth)

* Give off the right vibe on the date.
Decide what you want: a friend with benefits situation or a relationship situation? A hump-buddy vibe is less deep emotionally. Keep it very playful and sexy. A relationship vibe is where you are genuinely interested in the other person for more than just sha-boinking.

* Keep it sexual.


This is not a friendship club or a business meeting. It's a date. There should be passion and flirting. If not, it's boring and going no where. If you like the other person, show them. This doesn't mean you have to have sex. It just means there should be the hint that in the future you two might possibly do the sticky-squishy-fishy-flop-dance.

Now my next rule here is going to piss some people off. But I don't care. Guys, if you like the girl, take it as far as you can on the 1st date.

You want her to know right on the first date that you mean heterosexual business. If you do this, you will NEVER fall into the Friend Zone.

EXTRA CREDIT SUPER BONUS POINTS: If you get her into bed and then do everything BUT sex... (But sex. HA HA!) If you do everything EXCEPT sex and then she wants to boink but you say, "No. I don't boink on the first date." This will make her want you even more because you are showing great discipline and it must mean that you're not desperate. And girls like that.

Either that, or the girl will get so frustrated she'll grab you by your throat and scream, "Make love to me you or I'll kill you and mount your cold dead body!" But don't give in to her threats of homicide and necrophilia.

Obviously you won't get anywhere with all this unless she likes you. But once you establish mutual attraction, push it as far as it will go. It's up to the woman to put on the brakes -- if she wants to.

That being said, girls, don't have sex on the 1st date if you want to be considered for a relationship. Some guys don't care if you give it up on the 1st date. (Like me.) But lots of guys do. They figure if you were that easy with them, you must have been easy for a lot of guys. And a girl who's had lots of sex partners is a turn-off for most guys.


* Don't waste time.

Discover the other person's values and find out what things you have in common. I once had a girl say to me after our first date that I knew more about her than her ex-boyfriend knew after a year. That's what you want.

But don't ask a zillion questions and make it an interview. Unless you're role-playing "Boss and Job Applicant." If you're at that point, the date is going really well. :)

That being said, there are some things that you just don't talk about right at the beginning. If your date asks you someting you are not comfortable answering at this time, just say so. Don't lie. Remember, you don't have to answer every question.

And the opposite is true, don't ask questions that will make your date squirm. Some things you have to figure out on your own. You can't just ask, "So... do you have any emotional issues that prevent you from trusting another person?"

Sure you CAN ask but don't expect the other person to be like, "Heck yeah! My therapist says I shouldn't even BE dating! But I took extra medication today, so I figured why not? Oh, and let me tell you about my drinking problem... It's NOTHING compared to my addiction to morphine!"

* On the date, the guy is in charge.
(Remember, these are HogWild's Rules for Dating where Men act like MEN except when they're giggling over the word "poop." Heh Heh, poop.)

The man leads the date. He initiates, he picks the restaurant, the time, etc. He must know enough or find out enough about the girl to choose wisely. The date is a good chance for the girl to judge whether or not this man is competent and worthy of being with her.

Guys, have the entire date mapped out. But be ready to change course as you learn more about the girl. Maybe you hadn't planned on going to a dessert place, but then you find out she loves cheesecake. And YOU just happen to know an awesome place for cheesecake.... Off you go! The girl will love the adventure!

Guys, know the places you are going. NEVER take a new girl to an untested place. Everything has to be done right. Take her to the BEST places. The places you go are a reflection of your taste. Guys, know your sh!t! Never be like, "I dunno where to go. Where do YOU want to go?"

I'll tell you where she wants to go... Home. So she can go out with a real man who knows how to make a damn decision. So guys, put your hand down your pants. You feel those 2 groin-danglers? Yeah? OK, now use them.

* After boinking for the first time, guys you MUST call her later the same day.

If you don't, the girl will think you just wanted sex. (So if you did just want sex, then don't call her until later.) At the very least, send her a text message.

Good: Have a great day, sweetheart.
Bad: Thank you, come again. Heh, heh.

Good: You were amazing. You are so hot!
Bad: You were amazing. You are so hot!... compared to the ugly beasts I usually get with.

Good: I had great time with you. :)
Bad: I had a great time with your v@gina.

* This next one will seem obvious but it's a common mistake. Guys, do NOT take a girl to a dance club or place where other guys will hit on her while you are still in the dating phase. Duh.

EXCEPTION TO THIS RULE: You are a celebrity and she'll be impressed by all the hot women who run up to you requesting your autograph and sperm.

* Ladies, make sure the first date is somewhere PUBLIC. Don't agree to start the date in his home. Your first job as a girl is to make sure this dude is safe. . For instance, bring him to a park. You should end the date if he does something dangerously illegal.

HIM: I'm having a great time with you. Ooh! I just remembered.... I need just a few minutes to kidnap the child of a billionaire. I'll be right back.
YOU: This date is OVER!
HIM: But why?! I was going to use the ransom money to take you on a cruise!
YOU: <rolling eyes> Hurry up.

* Don't flatter your date too much. Drop hints but don't be blatant. Learn how to give good compliments. Watch my other dating advice videos for this.

* Don't hang out with friends or family yet. Get to know this person 1 on 1. Besides your friends might say some things about you that make you look bad by mistake.

- Girls, offer to pay half. At least offer. Don't fake-offer.

Guys, usually you want to pay for the date. It goes along with being in charge. But don't expect anything sexual in return. If you want to straight up pay for sex, just go to a hooker. It's easier and at least the sex is with a professional. Why would you pay for AMATEUR sex? C'mon now. haha

Sometimes I let the girl pay for half, it depends on my mood. I definitely let her buy me a drink. Why? Because of the rule, "People appreciate what they work for." So I let the girl work for me a little bit.

* Guys, wear nice clean shoes.

nice shoes

I know it's stupid and who cares. But girls care. They WILL notice and judge you on this. It's easy so do it. Why create another hurdle for yourself?

And the last of my Dating Tips:

* Don't answer the phone or send text messages during your date. This is so rude and disrespectful. Also don't answer the phone or send text messages while boinking. Everyone is always yappin' these days, I'm sure there is some sick couple out there...

GIRL: Yeah, so Steph, I can't really talk because this guy I just met at the bar is like, plowing me from behind. But I'll call you back in like... Hey, WHATSYOURNAME! How much longer do you think?
GUY: What's that? Hold on, let me finish sending this text message... "I had a great time with your v@gina."
GIRL: Ugh. I'll call you in like 10 minutes after I finish... buying this super cute hand bag off the internet!


* Watch my dating advice videos or improve your dating with dating coach HogWild.

* More HogWild Dating Advice

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Dating Tips: Rules for Dating. HOGWILD.NET  expert dating advice Relationship Advice.