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Hi Hog,

I met a nice girl who works in my building. I went to talk to her and we are now friends. I know this girl has a boyfriend but the problem is I fell in love with her.

What should I do? I still write her emails and we see each other almost every day.

I don't want to destroy our friendship or have her break-up with her boyfriend, but on the other side I can't ignore my feelings for her and my feelings would like her to leave her boyfriend for me.

Thanks,
- A

Hog's Relationship Advice:

You like a girl! Woo-hoo!

HER: I gotta a man!

YOU: I'm not tryin' to hear that see

HER: I said I gotta man!

YOU: What's your man gotta do wit me?

Listen man, you like this girl. Don't give me this crap about "losing the friendship." Every guy on the planet is willing to "destroy" a friendship for the chance at a relationship/sex with the girl.

Can a man be "just friends" with a woman? Yes. But only in these...

SPECIAL CIRCUMSTANCES WHERE A MAN CAN BE "JUST FRIENDS" WITH A WOMAN

- the girl is not in his R.A.H. (Range of Acceptable Hotness) i.e. she is obese or hideous

- the woman is married to one of his friends

- the guy and girl grew up together as close family friends, almost like brother and sister

- the guy is g@y

- the guy has totally given up all hope that this girl will ever hop on his salami, i.e. g@y

So you want this girl. But she has a boyfriend. Whatever. Where's her ring?

Oh, she doesn't have one? Then she's fair game. She's only with that other dude because she doesn't know how awesome YOU are!

You've got to show her that being with you will be better -- much better -- than being with her current dork.

HOW TO SHOW A GIRL THAT HER BOYFRIEND SUCKS AND SHE SHOULD BE WITH YOU INSTEAD:

Knit her a really cool scarf.

Also, NEVER bad-mouth her boyfriend. This is will make you seem jealous. Plus it will make her defend him. You want HER to talk bad about him...

To make her talk bad about her boyfriend, get her to start complaining about the things she doesn't like in the relationship...

NOTE: It is very easy to get girls to complain. If Complaining was an Olympic event, women would dominate the sport. In other sports guys inject steroids, but in this sport guys would be injecting estrogen.

Example:

YOU: So you've been with your boyfriend for quite a while! To stay with him that long, he must be really perfect for you!

GIRL: Yeah, he's great.

YOU: That's so awesome that you found the perfect guy for you... let me ask you something just out of curiosity to see how girls think... if you could change just 1 thing about your boyfriend, what would it be?

GIRL: Um, well, he's late a lot. That kinda bugs me.

YOU: Why does that upset you? Does it make you feel a little bit disrespected that you have to wait around for him?

GIRL: Yeah, I mean, I always make an effort to be on-time. I don't like being late for stuff.

YOU: Well, I'm sure besides that you guys get along all the time.

GIRL: Well, not all the time. We've been arguing about him checking out other girls.

YOU: Really?! Why would he need to -- well, I'm just saying that if you were my girlfriend I wouldn't need to be looking at any other girls... I'm sure he doesn't mean anything by it though.

GIRL: Make love to me. Make love to me NOW!

Okay, so maybe it will take a bit more work, but you get the picture. And the picture is of her n@ked and unclothed and n@ked.

You can make her break-up with her boyfriend by first becoming her friend...

It sounds like you've done that already. You can talk about her boyfriend. Why not?! You guys are "just friends"! You can also tell her about the girls you are seeing. But you can also complain...

Complain about the girls you meet. This will show that you are different from ordinary guys. Because most dudes go for almost any girl who likes them back. And most guys go for girls who are pretty even if the girl is boring or a b!tch or has the I.Q. of a parking lot speed limit.

You want this girl to know that you are in demand. No girl wants to be with a guy who can't get chicks. Girls want to be the guy who can get any chick he wants but CHOOSES them over all those other chicken-head b!tches.

NOTE: Chicken-head b!tches is a common street phrase to describe brainless women. This is in way meant to disrespect chickens.

Don't let this girl know that you like her. But get her phone number. Why? Because you two are just friends. Let her know that. You can even tease her about it.

YOU: We both like ice skating... we should go some time. You should bring your boyfriend. We can double-date. So what's your number?

HER: 555-1212

NOTE: If she actually gives you a number that starts with 555, this is a good hint that she doesn't like you -- or that you are a character in a movie.

YOU: Cool. Here's my number so you know when I'm calling you. Now, I'm trusting you... don't call me 20 times a day!

Your mission now is to make her doubt her relationship. Gently get her to talk/complain about her man. One way to do this is to talk about things you didn't like in your own past relationships.

YOU: I had this ex-girlfriend and she was always trying to control me. Like, tell me how to dress or who I could talk to... it really made me feel smothered.

HER: Yeah, I don't like that feeling. Sometimes my boyfriend is like that. He'll tell me what clothes he wants me to wear.

YOU: One thing I've learned is that a girl needs her space. Like, I'm always there when she needs me but I think it's important to give a girl her freedom, too.

HER: Make love to me. Make love to me, NOW!

Make friends with her boyfriend. You don't want him to suspect anything. Then stab him in the back like a uh, back-stabber. Then stab his girlfriend... with your pen!s.

NOTE TO SELF: Okay, that last paragraph was very disappointing. Stab in the back like a back-stabber? That's the best you can do? And stab his girlfriend with your pen!s? Really? I thought we were going to start acting like a grown-up.

LAST PARAGRAPH RE-WRITE:

Make friends with her boyfriend. You don't want him to suspect anything. Then steal his girlfriend like a person-who-steals-things. Then stab his girlfriend... with your pen!s.

NOTE TO SELF: What the hell?!!! That was worse AND it didn't even make sense!

You also want to make friends with her girlfriends. Especially the ugly, bitter ones. Her friends will be the ones who she will turn to when deciding if she should dump her boyfriend. And if she should see you instead!

HER: I'm sick of my boyfriend!

HER UGLY FRIEND: Go on, girl! You don't need a man! All you need is Taco Bell!

HER: To be honest, I kinda like...

HER UGLY FRIEND: You like that boy who works in your building? Mmmm, girl! I say go for it! Life is too short! Pass me that burrito.

HER: Oh, thank you Ugly Friend! I know I can always count on you for wise dating advice because you never have a boyfriend to cloud your judgment!

HER UGLY FRIEND: I don't need a man! <BELCH!> Excuse me. I just burped out of my ass again.

Another way to make the girl break-up with her dude...

MAKE THE GIRL WONDER IF HER BOYFRIEND IS REALLY G@Y

YOU: So what did you do this weekend?

HER: Not too much. I went shopping and my boyfriend watched football.

YOU: Football? You mean the sport where all those muscular guys run around sweating in spandex pants?

HER: Uh, yeah.

YOU: Does he wear a jersey?

HER: Yeah. It's got the name of his favorite player on the back.

YOU: Really. So he's wearing a shirt with another man's name on it?

HER: Yeah.

YOU: Does he eat bananas? Or hot dogs? Does he ever drink milk straight from the container and a little bit of milk drips off his chin?

HER: Oh. My. God!

YOU: Sorry.

HER: I need to go. The little fruitcake is probably redecorating our house right now!

Once she has dumped her loser-boyfriend, now it is time to make your move.

YOU: I'm sorry that you and your boyfriend broke up. You deserve better anyhow. Did I mention that I have super powers? And money. My super power is that I can magically produce money.

IMPORTANT HINTS:

Never tell the girl that this was your plan all along. She will think that you are an evil, manipulative bastard. And that is information that you want to hide from her at least until the wedding.

Watch your back. Her ex-boyfriend will have a strong desire to feed you his fist -- and not by way of your mouth.

Of course, if this girl dumped her boyfriend to be with you, then in the future she might dump you to be with me. Not that I'd do that sort of thing, right buddy-old-pal? Anyway, we should all double-date! Maybe go ice skating... it'll be chilly so I knit your girlfriend this really cool scarf... haha :)

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