Hey! It's Cinco de Mayo!
Cinco de Mayo is a Mexican holiday where blah blah
blah BOOBIES!
To celebrate Cinco de Mayo, I
present to you the hottest Mexican women in all of Mexico.
Now, you're probably thinking
that I'm going to make a bunch of dumb jokes where I
refer to women's boobies as maracas.
But that would be stupid
because everyone knows maracas are mainly used in
South American music and not Mexican music.
It would be smarter to
say something like,
"HOLY FRIJOLES! Look at the
Sweet Tamales on HER!"
That is Salma Hayek.
She's Mexican. You can tell because she's making the
ancient hand symbol of the bull horns. That
refers to the Running of the Bulls. Which is in
Spain. Where they speak Spanish. Just like in Mexico.
Dumbass.
Now here is another
Mexican hottie-boom-body: the actress Mariana Seoane.
Many of you hombres would
sure like it if she wrapped her pretty lips around your
meat and cheese burrito.
NOTE: I have no desire
to taste the delicious mammary margaritas of this incredibly
chica bonita. That's because I love my girlfriend. And
because she scans my web site for naughty comments every
day.
Jacqueline Bracamontes,
Miss Mexico 2000
Wow, what guy wouldn't want
to give HER his carne asada!
(Again, not me. I have a
beautiful (and very jealous) girlfriend. And I think she
owns a gun.)
Anyway, Jacqueline here has
two nice soft tacos.
ABOVE: Mexican
beer. According the advertising, when you drink it, XX
things happen.
Laura
Elizondo, 2005 Miss Mexico
Universe
There are a lot of these
beauty contests. Miss Mexico. Miss America. Miss
World. Miss Universe. But the most bootleg of all
beauty pageants is Ms. Subways of New York City.
Is it really a compliment to
be known as Ms. Subways?
TYPICAL NEW YORK A$$HOLE:
Hey look! It's Ms. Subways! Just $2 for a ride, right
baby?!
This year's Ms. Subways
featured a hot battle between the old Chinese lady
who sells small toys on the N Train vs. the dirty white
woman with the hairy legs on the 6 Train.
Next we have Dafne Molina,
Miss Mexico World. Welcome to Casa de la Hog.
Dafne has a nice natural
look, which is confusing me. I am so used to
looking at women with injection molding that I forgot what
real women look like.
If you're gonna have beauty
pageants, I think they should have 2 categories in
every contest: Ms. Natural and Ms. Preservatives.
Look, I have no problemo with
girls who implant a little chicharrón in their
gorditas. But we should make a special award for those
women with 100% home cookin'.
* Check out my helpful and hilarious Expert Dating Advice videos once you're done drooling over the hottest Mexican Women of Mexico.
Blanca Soto,
Miss Mexico World 1997
Sweet Hay-Seuss! This
girl makes natilla shoot from my chorizo!
Wow. Guys all over the world
are cleaning up their leche de hombre after tugging
their churros to this chica linda.
Kate del Castillo is a
Mexican actress who looks angry.
Angry Spanish chicks are
hot.
Then again, maybe Kate
isn't angry. Maybe she just looks angry because
of that eyebrow. It's like a caterpillar crawling
down her nose.
When I heard that
President Bush's brother Jeb was married to a Mexican
woman, all sorts of ideas popped in my head:
But no. This is Mrs.
Jeb Bush, Columba Garnica Gallo:
But hey, she's very powerful!
And power is sexy, right?
Right?
Okay fine. Another look at those
great Mexican Jumping Beans:
