In honor of the new Sports
Illustrated Swimsuit Edition I thought I'd do some incredibly
painful research for you. I went through EVERY Swimsuit cover since 1964
to find you the Top 10 Hottest Swimsuit Covers.
This is a tribute to beauty and
boobies and air brushing boobies.
So sit back, relax, and please, try
to keep both hands on the keyboard while I take you on a trip through
time of hottie-hot-hotness.
Number 10:
That's Kathy Ireland back in 1989.
That's actually the #1 selling issue of all-time. But it's not the
hottest. At least not by today's standards. One thing that's changed is,
back then, girls had eyebrows. Today's woman has anorexic eyebrows.
Kathy's are full-figured. Her eyebrows would get ridiculed by
today's eyebrows until her eyebrows cried and went on a dangerous crash
diet of waxing and tweezing.
Number 9:
What's cool about this photo is that
her bikini top doesn't completely cover the bottom part of her boobs.
Ladies, us guys are fascinated by the bottom of your boobs. Because we
rarely get to see that part. You always show us the tops. The cleavage.
But the bottom of the boob... that's naughty.
Number 8:
Notice the complementary colors? The
tans and oranges that fire up a warm feeling? No? You were just staring
at her boobs? Cool. Me, too.
And here is number 7:
Girls, the key to being hot is to
cover up a part of your body and then act like you're going to show it
to us. It's called teasing. The Art of the Tease separates the Sexy from
the Skanky.
Example: Jessica Alba... sexy.
Paris
Hilton... filthy, wh0rishly stinky, festering, vomitacious vulgar skank.
Number 6:
Whoa. That's a really cute swimsuit
bottom. But I guess the swimsuit top was too tight or it was itchy or
something because she had to take it off. What really doesn't make sense
is that she's looking at me! Whoa! I think she likes me!
Normally I'm a boob-guy or a
butt-guy... however she's got a really sexy back. I've never thought that before:
"Wow! Look at the sexy curvature of her spine!"
But really, she has a
sexy back. I want to massage it. No I don't. I forgot that I'm too lazy. I
don't care how hot a girl is, I don't want to give her a massage. Unless
it's her boobies.
Number 5:
The year was 1986. The Mets won the
World Series. I got some good toys for Hanukah. And Elle Macpherson wore
a combo granny-bottom/n!pple-blindfold bathing suit. Life is pretty damn
good.
Number 4:
I'm taking you back to 1979 for this
pick. Christie Brinkley is so hot she gets on the list despite that her
bikini looks like a hotel curtain from a bad p*rno movie.
If I was on my deathbed and could
only see one face before I die... it would be this one. Or Ernie from
Sesame Street. Either way I'd die happy.
Number 3:
My lord. Full lips. Pretty face. And
a feminine stomach. I like a flat stomach but not a girl with a 6-pack.
A girl is supposed to be soft and curvy. I don't want to be able to hit
a tennis ball against her stomach and have it bounce back to me.
Number 2 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Cover
of All-Time:
That was back in 1985. She's natural and has the face of an angel. Plus her bikini top looks like
lingerie and she's doing that flash-the-armpit thing which is so hot. Yummy
armpits!
She's so beautiful. She's the
innocent girl-next-door who you think you have a shot with but really
she's only into guys with tattoos and cocaine.
And finally we have the Number 1
hottest Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Cover of All-Time:
HA HA HA!
Okay, for real, here is Number 1:
Simply gorgeous. Boobies are
boobiful. Tight sexy stomach. Pouty lips. Smokey eyes. And she's pulling
her panties off. That's always a bonus.
That was Tyra Banks back in 1997.
Here she is now:
She went from Mermaid to Manatee.
She's okay for a regular chick, but
say, you married her back in '97 thinking you had a smoking hot babe for
life... sorry, dude. That's why I NEVER choose a serious girlfriend
based on looks. In fact, my motto is: "I don't care how you look, as
long as you can cook!" Because guys, looks fade. But meatloaf... that's
forever.
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